Juggling......................

So for all my life, or at least as long as I can remember I have felt this duty to keep all the balls in my life juggling above me......in a very synchronized and organized rhythm, one that is the hum, the soundtrack of my life....... and I have never felt free to release any of the balls fully, release them and know that somebody would help me and pick them up if they fall.......or add their own rhythm to mine to keep all those moving parts moving......not ever fully able to let it go and relax, resting in the knowledge that I have a soft place to land and can let the balls fall to the ground and that it is OK.........there were certain chapters of my marriage where I could rest easier not juggle so many, and other times when I was juggling so hard that I was sure I couldn't keep up.........and this situation is no different.......because now I literally don't have anybody to keep the juggling of it all going.......alongside me............but ME........and it is tiring in ways I cannot describe sometimes.......more mental at times than physical............I work so hard to keep all the parts of my life moving in a way that makes it run as smoothly as it can......in a way that makes perfect sense to me.....in a way that helps me reach my goals and accomplish what I want to.......what I need to in this life..... ...........and lately I just wish.......that I didn't have to work so hard.......that I had a soft place to land in it......a place to put some of those balls down, knowing they would be kept safe while I catch my breath........so I just keep juggling......keeping the rhythm going.......flowing......and will need to for the future that lies ahead.......the person that is rescuing me is me.......the cool thing is I trust myself 1000 percent to be able to do it all.....forever if need be......I know I can....but there is a new awareness in me that I have to ask for more help in my life than I ever had.....ask for what I need......make my needs known in a more clear way.......and that isn't comfortable for me......like at all........but I need a break sometimes too, and I am going to have to learn to ask for it when I need it......learn to lean a little more......a little better on the folks that have shown up to walk this journey with me........and I suppose that spending my life learning to juggle has made me able to do it even when the going gets tough........especially then........was speaking to somebody that had read about not being too tied to the fruits of your labor.......and allowing your efforts to just be..........not an easy habit to break after all these years.......I am most certainly tied to the effort I put in.......the goals I set.......and what comes out on the other side......tied so tightly to those things.......which has served me well......a goal without a plan is just a wish........my mantra in my day to day.......and many of the things I am juggling now need to be......and need to be done well.......they are my lifelines and the lifelines of my children......so I am going to try to find a better balance.......finding a way to share the load when I can.......with those that I can.........and let go when I can........and just keep juggling.........