Midlife Rebellion.......

I had written a little while back about realizing the parts of myself that are in tension with one another.....a part of me that has always yearned for family and normalcy....whatever that means right;-) But the creation of a home......the tradition of a family......a mom and a dad, couple of kids.....days spent cooking dinner.....playing in the yard, eating on the deck....planning a family vacation......all of it.....and then it was gone.....and I had to rebuild the parts that I could......I most definitely have a family of three that is pretty fiercely committed to one another, and that is my greatest blessing:)......I have a home that FEELS so much like me.....and each thing I have transformed, has been in line with the me of today.....I just ordered a hard top gazebo, that was on sale, such a good deal, to revamp my deck some this spring and summer, and I can't wait:) But then as my "ideal" life was stripped from me, and reimagined.....and I got in touch with the other side that lives inside of me......the one that I believe now in retrospect I fought much of my life, suppressed her, suffocating her.....wondering how this part fit amid the rest.....and that is a spirit that enjoys freedom and liberation.....living on her own terms......some rebellion too.....my deciding a nose ring was in order in this chapter, and I don't know what it is about it, but I like it.....so it will be thing till I don't like it anymore:)......I got two tattoos, and definitely have plans for more......she loves lifting weights and feeling strong, and for lack of a better term got in touch with an edgier side that also lives inside of me......and I like her if I am honest, lol:) She is freer than family Jenn.....and BOTH of those places within me feel like ME......and I guess as we walk in the chapters that find us, they require different versions of us.....and this winter was tough.....I was isolated some, and in the thick of keeping up on this home......the snow.....the cold.....the unrelenting winter.....and it was rough,.......but I also am acclimated now......my domesticated version giving way to my wild version......feral......having written about that a few times too....feeling SO domesticated at one point in my life, and now I don't.....that is what the bus stop lady was referring to.....when she was complimenting my energy, she felt my feral nature, and the difference that lives in my life now......and I fought for THIS life.....one that feels so much like me......and maybe more like me each day.....and we think of teenagers rebelling....and well.....ask my mom and dad, I did PLENTY of that too;-) But I suppose there is a renewed type of that energy, that has taken over some now.....liking the feeling of some wild in my tradition.....not a dangerous mid life crisis vibe, just a vibe lol:) and this morning it feels so damn satisfying.....THIS life that I built brick by brick myself.....creating a new life amid the rubble that I was sitting in, and sobbing in 5 years ago.....and all I really know for sure is that I need to keep showing up as authentically as I can, and the right way will continue to appear......I have no energy for fake or feigning a thing.....not a friendship.....an acquaintance, and certainly not a relationship.....I am in my REAL era:) Where everything that finds me, and all I surround myself with is REAL:) This morning I have the pleasure of listening to Apple Music finally lol:) SO late to the party! I was due for a phone upgrade, and we were able to get it pretty easily, and it is MAGNIFICENT lol:) Life is SO good.....not at all what I planned.....not perfect by any means, and not at all what I had hoped for when I set out.....but different isn't bad......it is just different.....and I love this new life that rose out of the ashes of my old life, and exploring other parts of myself has been an important part of this story too....at the end of my marriage I got SO complacent.....so tired.......so dull.......not taking care of myself AT ALL.....banging around the house looking, but more importantly FEELING like a mess.....and I didn't realize then how low I felt, or how low I had sunk......like anesthesia taking over slowly.....dulling all of my senses.......and I suppose his leaving was like those paddles they place on a person's chest to bring them back to life:) And it was just what I needed.......Like a shot of adrenaline........Today we prepare for our Easter PARTY tomorrow with our littles:) A job for my domesticated self;-) The essence of life, and what matters in every way:) Happy Friday, enjoy:) xoxo