OUCH! But........yea..........

I came across something last night that resonated.....I am following this new woman some, and her stuff hits like an arrow to my soul.......I am guessing our walk has been similar.....and she was doing a truth bomb reel.....and she was remarking on how it might make people feel some kind of way or upset them, angering them......but that was not my experience......because I fully own some of what I have gone through.......I am not a victim......I have written that many times.....and I mean it.....I also didn't deserve what has happened to me.....both of those things can be true at the same time......and she was speaking about betrayal....and the experience of it......and knowing that the person watching has experienced it more than once in their lives.......and that THAT betrayal, from another person, is a reflection of their OWN SELF BETRAYAL......and well BOOM.......those are facts.....completely.....and the other piece was her saying how the discomfort in the relationships came LONG before the betrayal......and the pushing that discomfort down, and choosing to "TRY harder" put "us" in that position......also true....each time both of those truths were totally true.....totally.....I mentioned yesterday, having a high pain threshold.....and an ability to endure......and be wildly uncomfortable for a long period, and sometimes in our society we honor such strength, or an ability to "hang in there" but in this case, it was a super dysfunctional part of me.......I was NOT being called to TRY harder......or be so uncomfortable that it was affecting my health, I wasn't.......when that deep discomfort began, in all of those situations......I was being called to throw up boundaries, and CHOOSE ME!!!!! And I just blatantly abandoned myself.....choosing everything else but me.....the relationship......the other person's comfort......the other person's needs.......ALL of it.......and this last time I learned that nuance.....realizing that when that discomfort hit a fever pitch, now mind you the discomfort had been present for a long time before there too, but when it hit the intolerable place, I finally stopped abandoning me, and said no more......and later found out that betrayal was present in that too, and I was feeling all of that........and as I listened to that woman speak last night, I saw it again so clearly......I had to learn THAT lesson.....knowing that if discomfort creeps in again, in the future I am out.....no longer seeing that as an invitation to prove my worth......and "try harder".......and really it centers around so many core beliefs......my parents have been married for 50 years.....and have hung in with each other, through tough stuff.....and that was the belief that was driving my own hanging in........and in my case it was self abandonment, so fully......to my detriment.......my case being cheated on, and treated poorly and thinking that was an invitation to hunker down and work harder.....it makes me disgusted right now......so fully......and I think disgust can be a healthy part of healing......realizing a place where you let YOU DOWN......and I did not see it that way each time it happened.......I thought I was fighting a noble fight......the greater good.....preserving something I thought was valuable, in my rose colored view......a love that existed between myself and them....worth hanging onto......seeing so fully the most beautiful parts of them, amid the rest........but I was ignoring what was being shown to me each time.....and then......the powers that be, God, the divine, making their message LOUD AND CLEAR......no longer a whisper, a nudge, an inkling, discomfort.....and the decision I made in that last test.....to be bigger than my feelings was a beautiful illustration of my making a decision from a place of HEALING......not damage :) I could cry typing that......because it makes me feel proud......to have finally moved from a healed place on behalf of me in this life, not from damage:) Something I had never done........not romantically.....and once that lesson is integrated, and you work on healing your nervous system, to not equate chaos with love, there is no going back! My entire being is integrated enough now to crave peace and healthy connection now......no longer satisfied with scraps and chaos.....and so that woman did not offend me last night, not even a little bit......I own my own role in my betrayal story......fully......I really do.......it was a reflection of my own self betrayal.....we can't expect people to treat us better than we are willing to treat ourselves......period.....so when you know better, you do better, and that is the plan! Happy Friday! We made it:) xoxo