So humiliating now.....

Before I discovered that my ex had been cheating, if you had asked me if I would have tolerated that, or taken him back, the answer would have been no......I had already lived that story in a previous relationship......and in my mind that was a no.....but then.....it happened.....and I had a 4 year old.....a 13 year old son with special needs, and the love of my husband......and the love of the idea of our family succeeding......so there it was staring me in the face......this ugly situation.......deception......betrayal......cheating.....and through a series of events I agreed to give it a go........for two years......believing he had stopped cheating, and we were repairing our marriage, counseling, all of the things......and I can say now that those two years nearly killed me.....accelerating the dumpster fire that was my health......5 ocular migraines from stress a month and my hair falling out in clumps, and in hindsight I am still glad I did it.....it gives my children peace that I tried......and that is worth it for me, but it was by far the worst two years of my life.....because what happens then is you become a person forced to look over your shoulder constantly......no peace in that.......just constant surveillance, like the FBI.....and I did not track his phone or any of that stuff, but I considered those things, which is so gross now.....but I was privy to his phone at certain times and it all felt so icky......not like me at all......I believe people need freedom......freedom to do what they will.....without the thumb of control on them.....it never works.....you can't keep people in a cage......they won't be happy there.....they have to stay loyal and true due to their desire to do so, period......that is my philosophical belief......it is also why I don't feel compelled to get married again.......I am not saying never.....because I may be proven wrong;-) but the paper they give you doesn't protect you from anything.....real commitment has nothing to do with legality......churches....... vows or rings.......it has everything to do with how you show up for another person......and the love, loyalty, and honesty you bring to your relationship, and in coaching it is hard for me, when a client comes wanting to move past betrayal and stay.....not because I think they shouldn't......but because I know how difficult it is......and the lack of peace that is found there......but people are free and should have the autonomy to decide and know when their relationship is done....that I believe too.....nobody could have told me at a certain point what I needed to do.....I had to discover all of it on my own......but I can say that I would never tolerate it again......the first time somebody shows dishonesty or deception it is done......trust is EVERYTHING.....and once you shatter that, what else is there??? Looking over my shoulder, NO way......never again....nobody deserves that kind of energy from me.......especially if they prove that they need to be watched, or that I need to be leery of them in any way.....life is too short and precious for all of that nonsense, and nobody is that special.......and I would never even consider doing that again.....once you prove you are a liar.....well........I will believe you.........I had a client recently that had that dilemma and that is why it is on my mind today......the extreme pain found in looking over her shoulder......or wondering if they will do it again......and just as an aside there is no guarantee.....my ex allowed me to check his phone, while I knew, and said to him many times, that he could have another phone.....and he did.......the other phone holding all the deception.... and so what is the point really......when a person shows themselves so fully, and in the light of such dishonesty....moving on is the only answer to that......I have come to believe that people are either honest or they aren't.....no gray.......and the amount of energy I spent surviving and living through that period, makes me sad......I wasn't fully present in any of it, because the back of my mind was frantic......searching for clues......signs......which at the time I still missed.....and now living with such a peaceful nervous system is everything.....and my children.......no heightened anything......no overthinking.......no wondering.......just a sense of knowing......and chilling.......so if you are reading and looking over your shoulder, I truly feel for you, it is not easy.....and I am not judging you.....you are doing what you feel is best......but I can say.........be careful.......it may be affecting you more than you know and the price might be higher than you think......and you deserve peace.....you really do! Happy Sunday:)xoxo