The best of me......

I think when relationships end we tend to think of the "what went wrong" piece......and that is human nature......and I suppose if self awareness finds you in this life, you will own your role in it all.....but often times that hasn't been the case in my experience......and for me, when I think of my marriage, there were layers of things that went awry......and in hindsight I do not think there was much I could have done to change the outcome.....it being shown that he and I were truly SO different, and mismatched in huge ways, ones that could not be overcome.......however there were things I would have changed if I had known better......he did not get the best of me often....partly to do with what he was inviting in me also, but I still own some of that.....I think when you fall in love, it has to do more with what the person brings out in you.....as much as we fall in love with the other person, we also fall in love with the version of us that they inspire:)......who they bring to the surface......and when that is right, it is glorious:) like strolling on sunshine......and there was so much wrong at the end of my marriage, I wasn't showing up as my best self, and certainly not being inspired to be HER......at all.......I felt SO old......tired......unhealthy......angry often.....sad mostly....stressed, anxious, and resentful.......all things that don't help you show up as your best self.....and as I said I own the part of me that allowed that to be so.....because all of it, added to us losing sight of one another completely ......however where I sit today, I know with such certainty that it was meant to be in every way, he and I could not have lasted......not being suited for one another at all.....so in that case it just is.....but in my last situation......he often got the very best of me....in every way.....the more healed version of me......the conscious me......the loving and happy version of me, and the one that had learned so much, and was working so hard to have a healthy relationship.....finally.....with communication and evolution in tow......and in the end my feeling like I was being brought back to the same spot......the frenzy.....lessening so fully that better part of me.....but the truth is I did lead with the best version of me....and felt that so often.....even though the patterns were mimicking patterns I had lived all of my life.....and in the end I was being deceived too........I still tried to move from the better places in me......he may not agree with that, as we are all subject to our own perception.....and that is OK.....although I do think he would agree that I put so much effort into making us worn, and I know what my intention was, and how it felt for a good bit.....and so does he.....and it was lovely for a certain stretch to feel like one of the best versions of myself I had ever met inside of a relationship.....and he moved in that space for a minute too.....until he didn't, and deception took hold......but the potential was there for sure.....because we did have moments of inviting the best in each other out.......for sure....but there was again so much wrong beneath the surface.......unhealed places having their say......demons from the past ruining it all, and so the sustainability wasn't possible.....but at least I got to touch it.....touch HER.......and so now I have done another quantum leap in healing......with the intention of bringing an even better version of myself to the next relationship I have......and even in the last situation, I own inviting an old pattern to arrive there.......I would have changed things for sure......and not hung in so long........and creating an unpleasant dance in the end, where there was once lovely music playing......I always get caught up in the potential, and saving, and trying so desperately to impart understanding and reasoning where it cannot be found.....and trying to impart partnership where there isn't......you can't do all the work of a relationship alone.....and that is SO clear now.....and I have found myself more than once doing the heavy lifting.....and I won't do that again.....I know the likelihood of my attracting somebody without any baggage might be slim.....not due to my worth, but simply my age group;-) if you are out here all single and stuff then, and in your 50s..........BUT.......what I am hoping for is that the man I meet moves with a spirit of not wanting to move from their damage.....having TRULY done their healing work, and moving from their best self too......when I went out Saturday, my friend and her friend were talking about how they were talking about me.....we were talking about happiness......and he had said to my friend, Jenn is always smiling or laughing......and she was agreeing with him, and I didn't really think of that, that way......but it is true these days......this is the chapter where I do spend a lot of time doing that.....and I have lived chapters that did not inspire smiling and laughter for sure......and while I do not put my happiness and joy in somebody's hands anymore.....it IS MY responsibility:) I do also want somebody that inspires me to smile and laugh often too, amid my own joy......it just feels better.....and I want to be able to do the same for them, and besides it is good for you:) Research is out there to support it! So yea......the best version of me.......I FELT her.....I really did, and even though she was not received in the spirit that she was offered up, I know now that she lives inside of me......and when the time is right she will emerge again in love......but in the meantime she is here for me:) And I will continue to evolve and cultivate her......but most of all heal her and love on her:) Happy Monday! xoxo