The day my sister died..........

I have never written about this before.......and I guess it is time......the night, the time that my sister was actually leaving this earth......I didn't know.......I only knew that we were having a terrible storm, thunder and lightning.......heavy rain.....all of it......and my soul was restless.......sleep eluding me for hours......turns out I learned the next morning, that I did not fall asleep that night till after she was gone........as if my soul knew it was about to get hit by a canon......and it most definitely was almost as if my sister also knew that her soul was preparing to leave......in the days leading up to her accident, she had said goodbye to all the important people in her life in really deep and profound ways......and even discussed death, her own with her best friend.......talking about if she died.......what she would want......which was an odd thing for a girl who was only 18 to think of, never mind talk about........her friend's sister had passed the same way my sister did, which was how the conversation had evolved......... my phone rang early......I was living in a house with Nick......we were dating at the time...... he was with me when I got the phone call.... I remember seeing the caller id, in the early morning hours, with my parent's number flashing, and instinctively knowing that after I picked up the phone nothing about my life would ever be the same.......and I was right....... I paused before picking up the receiver.....wanting to stay in the space of before for just a moment longer.........and I only remember pieces of it......I remember my mom saying she had something very sad to tell me...... her voice sounding so strange......and I don't remember the specific words she used to tell me that Stacey was gone......but I remember getting that message clearly.......I remember hitting a wall of denial immediately on the phone......like how could that be? I don't remember hanging up the phone or any of it........Nick said I started screaming......I don't remember that either.....I do remember sitting at my kitchen table in disbelief.......a few hours later.......just numb and crying all at once, and repeating over and over that it just couldn't be.......she was JUST here......JUST alive......there was no way she was gone......I remember driving down to my parent's house..... dreading seeing them, knowing how leveled they would be.......I remember saying to Nick that they would not survive this......that there was no way that MY parents could endure losing one of their children.....NO WAY........and when we arrived it was a blur of emotion......everybody's taking a different form.....mine in the form of tears.......I cried endlessly......just endlessly........did not think I would stop......I cried for days..........crying for so many reasons.......for the loss of such a beautiful life, crying for my family........for my sister.....for my parents......for the tragedy of it all........for me the complicated part with my sister always being that we were nearly 10 years apart in age.......and when she was small I was like her mom......creating a dynamic that made me like a mother hen to her, not so much like a sister....and she always wanted me to be more accepting of her antics and teenage angst, and I struggled because of that dynamic......and part of me lives in regret to this day about that.....I wish we had related more as sisters.....instead of mother daughter.....so I felt robbed of that age gap ever getting the chance to shift and not be so pronounced.....that age gap fading away as we became women.....women that could relate to women stuff......and I know she yearned for that kind of relationship with me, but she was still so young.......only 18......and now she has been gone 18 years.......her life and death equal.......and it is hard to believe.......I feel her always.......knowing she watches all of our lives......I sometimes feel her rooting for me......or as Nick and I imploded, feeling for me......grieving with me from above.........her death was likely the first thing that taught me that life is not fair......it is fragile......that grief is real......just deep grief, a grief you learn to carry all of your life.....finding a way to have it settle in......the aftermath of her death changed us all.....bringing us all challenges we had to learn to overcome......and it lives inside of all of us.....and so does she........I think of you so often Stacey......and will miss you always......your life was a brief, but a beautiful and brilliant life, you lived and embraced every bit of living in your 18 years......trying to make it all count.....that legacy lives inside us all. It took me much longer to learn that.......that you need to LIVE fully every day......and you were so much wiser to know that when you were so young......thinking of you my baby sister, today and every day..........