I choose YOU xoxo.......

I wrote the other day about feeling triggered, and did my video yesterday about it some....and it is interesting when you have trauma, and you get triggered....it is often not the thing that triggers you that is significant.....it is the feeling and wound that lies underneath....and for me the wound I have been able to identify that is the deepest for me is one of not being chosen.....it sounds so simple right? And maybe silly some from where you are sitting, but for me profound grief lives there......the times I wasn't chosen when it mattered most.....the times a person didn't step up to meet me in love.....and the times I haven't felt a sense of belonging within a relationship, one that mattered so much to me.....and it has happened on repeat to this point.....and despite my being the one that walked away from the last situation, he had abandoned me many times before that.....and I could no longer tolerate it, as my healing was taking hold.....and for me the layers of the wound are complicated.....one piece is my over giving.....over "showing up" with an inherent belief that if I did that, somebody would finally show up for me.....and that isn't true.....but the other pain is that it was true.....in all of my relationships at one point.....and due to everybody's dysfunction, myself included, it wasn't sustainable....balance needs to be present, and when there is a lack of it, it messes it all up.....I have also believed that I need to earn love....that it is not freely given.....and so the over giving is a part of that too.....not ever feeling safe in love, to settle in.....and as my 50th is coming up I was remembering my 30th birthday....and my ex husband threw me a surprise party.....my birthday being a week after we got married....and it was small....but so so thoughtful.....and so as I say this I do not want this to come off as if I have never had or lived in magical places in love, because I have:) But the core wound is about being chosen when it matters.....when it is hard.....not when it is easy, and falling in love is present....but when the work shows up and the rubber hits the road.....that is the kind of choosing that matters.....and that is the kind I have done....stand by your man kinda vibes....even in the ugly and tough....and I seek to have that kind of choosing returned to me......but that wound.....the one that echoes in my heart has also been alchemized by my choosing me:) SO fiercely......and placing my health and peace above all else....and that has surfaced for me before, but never quite like it did the last couple of days.....another layer of understanding, where it hurts.....and where I am choosing healing.....by telling myself the truth about what I have lived through......and the truth of what I will never allow again.....and love is about choosing......every day......intentionally.....all of it.....and that is all that matters.....and early on, in one of the speeches I gave at a women's night and in some of my women's series....I talked about that feeling, that feeling of if you are not going to love me, then I WILL.....simple really.....the love we seek is not outside of ourselves....it can be some if we are lucky.....but for most folks it is an inside job.......one that needs to burn within first.....and so choosing myself over and over again, even on the days it was hard is helping to close that wound.....and perhaps it will come full circle when I meet a person that chooses me so fully that I will never have to question that.....never have to vie for anything....a simple but profound gift to give another human.....but until then, it will be me choosing me on repeat.......and that will always be enough, and will always lead me to where I belong! Happy Easter everybody, enjoy:) xoxo