The loss............feels endless......

No matter what I know to be true now, it doesn't change what I have lost.....the fact that I know that my life will be better moving forward doesn't change that feeling of loss, the fact that I know I am exactly where I should be in my life, doesn't dull the pain........none of that changes the pain and suffering that comes with this.......it doesn't change the fact that it is that loss, that grief, that is the hardest mountain for me to climb....I CAN be alone, I CAN take care of my kids solo, I CAN manage all the life stuff on my own, I CAN DO HARD THINGS EVERY SINGLE DAY....but that loss that comes like a huge tidal wave, out of the blue, hurts like hell, and knocks the breath out of me....sometimes I am overtaken by the pain I am in, by the loss of somebody I loved so deeply, a person that I thought I knew better than any other human except my kids.....and then the loss comes again, because clearly I didn't know him as well as I thought.....clearly.......but the loss of all of it hits me hard, and suddenly, and often....I still miss my family of four so much it tears at me........ sometimes so fiercely it is hard to put into words.....my kids are missing it too and it breaks me daily to see them suffering so much......trying to be so brave........I am so grateful that overall they have been doing really well, finding joy, finding happiness still, but sometimes I can see it overtaking them and their hearts breaking.....holding them in that pain is all I can do, supporting that pain, validating their pain..... but the loss is huge for them too....the waves come and go so often.....hitting us all a little differently, at different times, for different reasons.....making us all feel the loss of a life we all loved, .....a life we all believed in.......a life that we were committed to traveling together, forever......a life that got turned upside down against our will........so it is definitely the loss, the grief that grips me by the throat.....pushes me up against the wall.....causes me to fight for breath.....fighting to regain my composure.....to steady myself....settle myself.....find my peace and be able to move forward......and do the next thing I need to do.......sometimes it is just that....the next thing I have to do......one foot in front of the other....one day at a time.....one healing blog at a time......one run at a time....one snuggle at a time.........inching me closer to a healed heart someday and a life we only dreamed of..........