The man of the house........

I think one of the weirdest parts of this journey has been my meeting the man of the house via myself lol:) BECOMING the man of my house so fully.....and stepping into that role, lots of times when I don't wanna ;-) This past weekend I met her again, I was snow blowing a path for my new oil peeps......if you remember, and if you have been reading for a minute, then you know that I had some challenges with my last company, and their informing me of needing that to be done in a way that was not acceptable....so this time it was clear.....and the truth is the snowblower did not work great because the snow has become wet and packed down.....and there isn't much in the yard anyway.....but I tried.....so before I took the garbage on Saturday morning, my other man of the house chore;-) I attempted to blow the path......and when I was done......I was bringing the blower into the garage, and driving it sideways to its spot......and I threw an old rug down to protect my garage floor, and I was mindful of avoiding it.......because not too long ago I had sucked up the extension cord in the blower! I had been blind with my sunglasses fogged up from wind and bitter snow, and it started to run out of gas in the middle of driveway, so I was quickly getting it back to the garage blindly, and sucked up the cord!:( Luckily my dad came and helped cut the cord out and all was good.....so this time as I went past that rug, that was in my mind.....but the blower jumps a little sometimes, as you navigate it, and it is powerful.......so it caught the rug.....and in the initial moment I felt defeated......like so tired of winter......tired of navigating it all on my own........tired of not having a man of the house to help in all of it........just.......plain.........tired.......but then.......it shifted....and I knew I could handle it........so I tipped the blower over.....and cut the carpet out of it.....and was able to muscle it back to its spot, while it was off, and THAT felt powerful.......and I think that is the lesson in it all.....it is in the places we resist that the biggest gifts can be found......in the "I don't wanna places", but I am going to do it anyway......and my "man" of the house role has found me loving and hating on it lol:) Some of my most satisfying moments along this journey have been in those types of roles......staining my deck by myself.......a full day of yard work solo.......snow blowing my driveway and clearing my sidewalks of snow.......and let's be honest playing the role of dad often in the day to day in my home, and of course gender roles aside.....who is to say what is the man of the house duties?? I just happened to have a marriage, and grew up in a house where they were clear.....so taking them on feels that way......and so after I cut the carpet out of the blower, I felt like going out in the yard and pounding on my chest and yelling lol:) And most of the time I make peace with this whole new part of my life......realizing it has allowed for more confidence, and has taught me to rely on myself in a new way........one that spells freedom in the truest sense......and sometimes I have to call my dad.....that is true......but most times I opt for figuring it out.....and I was glad I did not knee jerk call him when the carpet got sucked up......and it was a role I never wanted........ever.......but maybe as I sit here it was one I needed......never imagining myself walking back into gender roles again......perhaps when love finds me again.....it will feel like a side by side experience in all of it:) shared roles......doing all the things together.......that feels nice to think of for sure........but for now I am THE man of this house and well.......I am doing the best job I can, that is true;-) Have a good day! xoxo