Their shock.......

The other day I wrote about Mads and the discussion we had about heart scars.....and one thing she said that I had forgotten to mention in that blog, but has stayed with me since, was the shock.....she said how shocking it was to her, his leaving.....and I guess I knew how shocking it must have been to them, but when she said it, it hit me in a way it hadn't before.....and it hurts my heart to think how shocking it must have been to them on top of all the other hurt.....because it was shocking to me in such an intense way, and I had known what was going on behind the scenes....knew of the affair, believed it had ended, and then he left....and I still was shocked in a way that is still hard to articulate......I guess you believe that you matter to somebody in a deeper way than you do? That your place is important and valued even when somebody falls down, and does what he did.....I truly believed that with all of my heart.....and it is a good reminder to never take any of that for granted....never think it can't happen to you or it won't.....and I think my kids felt the same.....that he would never leave them, loving them too much.....and I bet if I could sit down and talk to him, he would say the same.....at a certain point.....not believing he could do what he did......but the thing is he was right to leave ultimately.....not the way he did but the leaving yes.....I was reminded of that too in speaking to Mads.....she was saying I wish you and daddy could have gotten along better and all of this wouldn't have happened.....under the weight of his affair and our challenges, and trying to get our marriage back on track, it was tumultuous, tensions running high often....arguing happening that neither of us wanted......and it was so hard to avoid, just big emotions swirling.....and I remember at the time hating that it was happening in front of the kids sometimes, and feeling like it would be OK once we found our way on the other side of it all, and put our family back together.....but that isn't and wasn't true..... I write all of this today as a cautionary tale.....one of not ever taking for granted that somebody won't__________________fill in that blank as you like.......also as a reminder that I don't believe that staying together for the kids is right......I don't......as much pain as I have seen in my kids, I know the damage done had he stayed, the way things stood would have been worse for them in the long run......I know that......and I have seen such resilience in them in the aftermath despite their heart scars.....sometimes things are meant to unfold in ways we don't like.....don't want......would never choose......and in ways that just are.....but the one thing I remain grateful to him for, and will be forever, is for cutting me loose.....I would have hung on so long in the name of saving our family......and while I hate the way he did so much of it, and know it could have been done differently.... that doesn't change the fact that he ended a portion of my suffering when he left that night.....a new suffering began, but a much more worthwhile one.....the suffering I was doing in the end of my marriage was futile......excruciating but going nowhere.....the suffering I endured after he left was fruitful in ways that still manifest to this day......worthwhile.....and life changing.....and I hope the shock doesn't live in my children's hearts the way it stays in mine sometimes, I hope that the shock fades into the abyss for good at some point......for us all.......I really do.....and in the meantime I will continue to create a space for them both to speak their truth, and I will continue to speak mine.......it is the only way.....