Wait a wedding??? What???

Today marks a completion for me.....from what I have read is a 9 year cycle for us all....how that resonates for you is what is true.....it began in 2016......and for me that is the year I had my daughter.....and maybe for that first year of that, my marriage was in a good spot....we really enjoyed her, and her arrival sparked life in our challenged marriage....having been mom and dad to our sweet and special boy before her she came on the scene......and then in 2017, more 2018 the affair stuff began, and well you know the rest of the story.....and in the past 9 years I have been walking toward myself really.....taking the times I was not shown love, and loving myself harder.....and this year absolutely feels like completion to that end.....no question.....this year taught me the final piece in loving me.....loving myself more than I chose to love another person.....not sacrificing myself again for the love I held for them....and realizing that that is a dead end....in every way......your love cannot make up for a lack of love that lives in somebody else.....for themselves.....or for you......and I have now set the bar high for what that looks like for me......for my man:) He has to love me as well as I love myself.....and what a glorious thing that will be when the time is right;-) So in the meantime I made it.....out of Jumanji lol:) YAY me lol:) It certainly has felt Jumanji like.......at every turn, a gauntlet of sorts....and starting tomorrow we all enter a 1 year......beginning a new story in our lives and damn.....that resonates so deeply too, and feels so exciting......I have a new story to write....I feel that so deeply in my soul.......I am also feeling the 5 year anniversary approach of the night he left....and it is all completion......and I am here for it....so the wedding thing right? Why is that the title of this blog........well I mentioned the other day that I have been guilty pleasure bingeing "Married At First Sight".......please don't judge too harshly....first and oddly enough it is the first show I have watched in months....I have a weird relationship with all that in this chapter, but every once in awhile.....I can't help it lol:) And as I watched their weddings there was a new pang in my heart....one I haven't felt before....and of course I remembered my own wedding....it was a beautiful day....a perfect day for all intents and purposes, and then ruined.....for me, in a lot of ways.....I have kept the video for my children....but have disconnected deeply from that for a long time, but here is what stepped forward that hasn't before....I have been in a hard NO place to another wedding in this life....not seeing the necessity, especially as I have navigated the legal system in divorce.....happy to have a partner at some point....a commitment ceremony in a beautiful place, maybe some rings, and then live our lives loving each other fiercely.....until.......well until I had that pang......what if.......what if I could do it over one day, and have it be the REAL deal.......like the stuff "The Notebook" is made of......I mean....planning a great party is one of my favorite things......wedding dresses are fun, especially since I burned my last one lol:) No really I did.....cathartically and gratefully:)......but yea.....middle aged wedding.....maybe.....up until exactly that moment there had been zero desire for that again, ever.......so I don't know what that pang was....and echo of the past, or a glimpse of the future.....hard to say....but it was palpable.....so I am stepping into my 1 year, and feeling grateful for the completion found in this one......wearing high heels, and lipstick, and a grin, and throwing a wink, a peace sign, and as I close the door! :) Bring on a NEW YEAR, and a NEW story:)