Where is your conscience????

Our conscience is our compass in this world.....leading us to do the things we should be doing and steer us away from the things we shouldn't.......right??? Some people having a stronger one than others....... When I was a kid mine was so so strong, causing me anxiety often if I did a small kid transgression, feeling as if I had to tell on myself immediately to quell the angst that followed it. Feeling when I veered off track ,and seeking to make it right....and see that is the funny thing I have learned.....we view the world from OUR perception.....having only lived our life, our experiences, our inclinations, our inner world, all of it.....so it is harder sometimes for us to place ourselves in other's shoes and try and guess or know what their experience is.....and I do my best to use my imagination in that way......trying to imagine what another must be feeling to seek to find common ground......as we all are subject to the human condition......but in this chapter I have been shown places that seem to be completely void of a conscience......particularly the last relationship I had.....his knowing so intimately all of the horror that had found me in my marriage, and in the end of my marriage, and then inflicting much of the same, under the guise of the "good guy".....a guy I thought might have been sent to help me.....and maybe in the beginning that was the case to some degree......despite all he has done, I can still see the value the beginning held.....despite my knowing it was brought to my doorstep, with his manipulation in tow......his "plan" already in his mind.......planning on using my circumstance to play me, for lack of a better term....and then not planning on feeling what he felt for me, or us sharing what we did, or any of it.....and his plan got rerouted a bit for a minute......but his deception was unbelievable.....truly......and I write about it today, to give it a voice....not because I am stuck in it....but because it is the nature of deception, and when you have been deceived so loudly, so boldly, the details come to find you down the road.....a conversation that now makes sense......an act that now has clarity......just all of it.....and the realization of the layers and level of deception become staggering in the light of day......and so I ask myself, often....considering the nature of what I believe was the "real" part of us......where was your conscience????? Like where??? And I think that answer came to me.....because his life is also chaotic.....having all sorts of chaotic, and stressful things find him, often.....also as a result of his actions.....but it was pretty consistently so....and in my mind, I believe that that is a result of his not listening to that conscience.....shoving its wisdom down, and ignoring it.....I suppose my wanting to believe he actually has one....versus not.......and when I think of all the deep and sweet places we traveled together.....and the length of time we did.....it not only hurts my heart sometimes, but it still feels stunning that he could do all he did to me....and lie so much........fully attempting to take full advantage of it all....and unfortunately when you choose to live your life like that......you will never find peace......just more turmoil and chaos......because you are creating that......I have had to ponder the conscience question with my ex husband too......and it is baffling.....truly.....knowing what I thought I knew to be true about them both......and maybe you sacrifice a part of yourself as you make a decision to live another path??? Maybe it happens slowly, insidiously.......or as a result of some trauma in your past........or..........I am not sure trying to understand it, ever, is a good use of my energy......because I do not have one cell in my body that would be OK with intentionally deceiving somebody I claimed to love......or loved me.......that is a fact.......even in my younger years when my judgement was not where it is now, and I did some things I am not proud of, truth was always a part of it, and I always opted for transparency over deception in the end.......but as a grown human??? A man in his 50s????? It is beyond comprehension to me that he could be involved in what he has been......besides the part where it is so disrespectful to not see the love a person, and in his case people, had for him, and just completely obliterate it.......like taking a machine gun to it all......love is a rare, that is true, and wonderful gift.....one we are lucky to experience when it comes by.....and to just use it, and abuse it is incomprehensible to me......in every way......so I am not sure I will ever know the why....and I have already accepted that.....I do know some of the why, having had my fair share of psychological schooling along the way, if you will;-) but I am guessing if he could even articulate it to me well, it still would never make sense.....from where I sit, he was missing a crucial part......the part that keeps us safe to those we love......and a flash will still find me of something he said or did, under the new light of my knowing most of what he did, and that flash renders me speechless, speechless in the light of the deception he is capable of......just stunning......most of our time together being a lie......and that is the hardest part I suppose.....because for me at the time, it seemed such a special part of my life and story......and despite my handling it all well, and healing, and really already having moved beyond so much of it, in the truest sense......it is always the deception that trips you up in these kinds of things.....I know that all too well unfortunately......so I continue to wonder if he is wired without a conscience.....or if he battles his often under the weight of all of his actions......I tend to go with the latter based on the challenges I have seen him have.....and my wish for him is not anything ugly or vengeful......it is that he transforms his life, for REAL, and finally.......and stops having his wounds bleed all over other people........because it really just isn't fair........Amen........

And.........I didn't deserve all he did to me......Amen.......