You walked out on me 5 years ago and well.......

Today IS the day.....the day that my heart has felt for a couple of months now....cathartic spaces circling round, as I walked my way here. The body keeps score.....no doubt....and my body always feels this day as it circles round each year....but not as you would think........Having it be the most profound event in all of my life......or perhaps the most pivotal, it always comes packing something for me....and this year it is a summit point.....I have talked about having lookout places on this mountain I have been climbing.....places where I can stand, and turn around and take a breath, and take in the breathtaking view......And I cannot overstate the pain of betrayal, I really cannot.....especially at the hands of your person, or who you thought your person was........and what it is like to live in the aftermath of it, is a thing.....especially when you trusted somebody so much.....and even as our trust was damaged due to his affair coming to light a couple of years before he left, I never thought he would leave us, and I never believed in this reality.....ever.....and being left on a Thursday night, by your husband of 20 years is quite a thing....after the door closes and the deafening silence and power of that moment fills the house......the silence becoming so loud somehow, and then to have him turn his back completely on you in the aftermath and being made to grieve the living.....it was heavy......and not only did he cause a piece of me to die that night.....but he also lost a piece of himself that night too, no question.....and then we both had the responsibility to alchemize the pieces from the rubble.....I set off on my path, and he did the same......and the truth is, I can still touch the pain he left in his wake.....still.......all these years later.....the deep scar of betrayal.....it is like when you have a scar that heals, but when you touch it a certain way or bump it, you can feel the pain that lives there......and while this story is no longer the place I live.....it is in the past, and lives alongside the other places where heartache has found me.....but as with most anything that touches down for us, it is never one way.....when he walked out that door....he set in motion a magical carpet ride......one I never imagined ever taking.....the agonizing pain in the short term, being replaced with light, magic, and purpose, and alchemy in all of its forms.....the alchemizing of myself.....the alchemizing of my pain, the alchemizing of my purpose, the alchemizing of my life......and he became the catalyst of great gifts in his wake.....it is fitting that he left around the holiday.....his leaving and it causing me to RECEIVE so much as the time stretched out........surrender......that found me first......to let go fully, let the pieces of my shattered life fall, not trying to catch them, and to let this experience happen, and focus on my role, my actions only.....and let go of who he is in this story.....and that surrender has made all of the difference, letting anger and resentment fall away and be replaced by peace, acceptance, and forgiveness......to find peace.....like the real kind, the kind that cannot be rattled by anybody or any thing......the kind that seeps into every space in your life......self love.....taking the deep lack of love I was shown, and loving myself fiercely....the love I so freely gave away, turning it on myself and my children, and changing our lives.....health, true health, the kind found when you get your mind, body, and spirit right.........faith......the rock solid kind too....the kind that trusts something so intensely, that a detour, or a closed door means divine redirection, not disappointment, LIVING.......learning to really LIVE and be so ALIVE......like I had never been.......igniting my spirit of adventure and the desire to live out loud......the art of authenticity.....learning to show up as MYSELF, as often as I am able.....and using that authenticity to lead the way......intuition......learning to tap into that so much more clearly.....and let it also lead the way........resilience.....the kind that shows up often, and in all ways to bolster a person, running through their veins, and helping them endure it all........and that is just to name a few.....and while he gets no credit for them....none.......I am the one that did the hard work, of learning those things along my healing journey, he does get the credit for leaving.......he really does......he put us out of our misery....a misery I did not even realize I was living in, because I only wanted to save our little family.....so desperately, but he and I were not suited for one another any longer........he knew that, and my trying to fit in his story, was killing me slowly.....and his willingness to rip the band aid that night, and set me FREE......FREE in every sense of the word....... was perhaps the greatest gift I have ever received.....and I mean that......so yea 5 years, it feels like something.......a place to breathe and reflect and realize that my life since that night is not about the wound he inflicted.....but about the alchemy found in that wound.....and the wisdom found on the other side of one of the most painful nights of my life......the pain unrelenting and suffocating feeling at first, excruciating in every way......but in the aftermath has been pure magic......so my gratitude extends to this always......the gifts I have found on the other side being worth what I have endured....and worth the healing and light the kids and I have found......and they would agree with me too.....my kids have accepted this story too....finding the light and love in it too, and the life we have created fills us up in all the ways we need to be, truly......the three musketeers......rolling with my homies.....forever and ever! Cheers to 5 years! xoxo