19 years ago.......

19 years ago I became a mama to the best boy.....truly.....up until the day he was born my pregnancy was wrought with stress and anxiety.....having learned earlier on that something was wrong......he was growing behind schedule.....when they measured him in utero, he lagged behind weeks......something called Intrauterine Growth Restriction......a term I obsessively researched......coming up empty as to why I had it.....so many of the hallmarks of WHY it happens, did not live in me.....except the potential of his having a genetic condition.....however I was being followed weekly by a specialist.....one that did his ultrasounds to ensure he was safe.......and she could not figure out what it was that was causing it either, yet........so on this day 19 years ago I went for my check-up.......knowing intuitively that THIS day was different.....that something was even more wrong.....his movements have become really faint.....like he was a million miles away from me.....and in hindsight desperately trying to express the trouble he was in.....and I told me ex that day that I knew today would be the day....he tried to calm my fears and say it would be fine....but I knew it wasn't.....and I prayed to make it to 32 weeks gestation.....the most viable one, and this week 19 years ago was that magic week.....and so we went to the appointment....an appointment I had almost cancelled due to weather.....it was in Scranton, but the office insisted and when I had gotten up that morning I too knew I needed to get there......and when she did the ultrasound it was evident that he was in trouble.....the cord being around his neck......explaining those faint movements I had been feeling.....they rushed me to the hospital for an emergency c-section.....that day setting off a blur for me......a blur of the a c-section under emergency circumstances.....causing scar tissue issues that did not get to be resolved until I had my daughter 9 years later......a blur of becoming a NICU mom, and living in the hospital, living in terror and sadness for 5 weeks......a blur of feeling so alone there.....living within the hospital walls......waiting each night for my son's dad to come and visit.....which he did........this morning finding me curious of what his account of that time would be......wish we had had more time to talk about all of that.....but we were in pure survival mode.....trying to pull for our boy......wanting him to live so desperately....and well he did:) But then the blur continued......he came home, and it was a blur of specialist appointments, an apnea monitor and clinic, sleepless nights, feeding issues, severe colic, and my feeling like I may not make it.....the stress and deprivation deep and wide.....and then he passed the year mark. And he was a smiley, a little happier guy.....and he melted my heart....the day he was born I was already in love......tears streaming down my face as he fought for his life in his incubator.. He had already won me over, my pledging my whole life to make sure he was OK and thrived....but as his grinny little self made its way out, he began to charm me beyond measure:) And has been doing so ever since......there is nothing I would not do for him, sacrifice for him.....not ever.....and he was the greatest gift of my life.....showing me what love really looks like.....and being loved by him is magic......he is the best person I know, without a doubt......every morning he asks me how I slept.....and every afternoon when I pick him up he asks about my day......he is my fiercest protector.....worrying about me, and wanting me to be OK always......Happiest of birthdays today to my magical boy:):)......You are a gift to my life in every way.....and it has been the privilege of my life to have been called to be your mom:) Happy 19th Birthday! We will celebrate as the snow comes down, I love you sweet boy:) xoxo