41 months.......

One of the challenges in being single is the lack of intimacy that can be suddenly found in one's life......physically or otherwise.....and I have touched upon it before, it is a delicate topic......but I think an important one......it has been 41 months.....or maybe longer.....I cannot remember the last time.....funny huh......I just know the last time I shared myself intimately was inside of my marriage...and it has been a strange journey in that regard....I am grown....lol:) Will be 48 in a week......was used to having all of that for 20 years and then suddenly it was gone......alongside the other things I had to grieve......and maybe we don't recognize that as much as we should.....or give that part enough attention......hiding it away when somebody becomes divorced or single......now add having children in tow and it becomes even more of a challenge.....and it is a need like all the rest of them.....and that has been a lesson for me......being physically intimate with somebody that you love.....is a need or desire, just like drinking water when you are thirsty, or eating when you are hungry.....and perhaps I did not fully realize that in my old life......knowing that it was available inside the space of my marriage whenever.....and I have worked through this challenge within myself.....finding ways to fill this need for myself, and also finding substitutes for it that have nothing to do with sexual intimacy at all, but push similar buttons.....and it all helps.....and has kept me wise in my life.....but 41 months......is a long time.....it just is.....and no amount of minimizing that changes that......as humans we need to touch and be touched.....to feel loved.....or desired.....and the absence of that in a person's life can feel deafening.....I have really dug deep within this topic for myself, and feel it is an important topic to bring to the light of day....delicately.....it has required my making a conscious commitment to myself to not waiver in my decision to wait in this part of my life for the right person.....to not view any of it as casual.......and not just seek to fill a need in an empty way.....but it hasn't been easy to do that......I say that very clearly....and it is ironic because I currently feel so comfortable in my own skin, confident, and feel all of these things, and haven't had a place to put it all, ironic indeed....like the Alanis song lol;-) And I have attempted to challenge this part of me some.....seeing my single friends meet good enough people and fill their needs....never judging them....understanding for them it was right to do so.....but for me......that just isn't me.....it never has been.....I have been this way all of my life.....choosing to be intimate, only under certain criteria and circumstance......so I have remained steadfast in my conviction despite it being really difficult......and I debated about writing about this......not wanting to do it in a way that didn't honor the topic....and wanting to do so tastefully......but feeling like it is important to shed light on due to all the single folks that read....and maybe the ones that are not single, so they can understand better.....and I am speaking too to so much more than physical intimacy....a single person misses it all.....holding hands....cuddling....hugging.....kissing.....etc.......it goes well beyond just one piece.....I guess I share this and write about this to remind myself that waiting has been the wise thing for me.....and that I am proud of myself for doing so.....and I know deeply that I will know when the time is right for me to share myself again.....and taking that stance in modern dating is not so popular lol:)Not at all......in the age of swiping right....and somebody being around the corner willing to go all in..... But my new friend understands this about me, and is willing to honor my speed in it all....and that feels like something to me:) And is exactly what I need as I navigate this part of my journey too....:)