A terrifying possibility......

My daughter and I are CLOSE......when I had another baby, and she arrived, I could not imagine at the time being as close to anybody as I was to my boy....my boy and I having climbed mountains together.....both medically and otherwise......and then there she was.....and she was a deliciously delightful baby.....and toddler, and we were head over heels.....and then her dad left......when she was 4........ and up until that point she and I were super close, but she was definitely daddy's girl vibin......adoring him in all of the ways a daughter does......and I loved that for her......but since that time things have shifted.....and while she still loves her dad......she and I have become SO close.......learning to navigate our brave new world together.....and part of it is that as she has grown, it has been shown to both of us that we are super similar......much to my delight and hers:) We share a kindred view of the world, and people, and a similar understanding......and share so many things that make us who we are......often able to communicate with minimal words.....having our hearts do the chatting:).....and she has been having some challenges in her life at the moment......and they remind me of some of mine, based on how we were built......and in this chapter I have learned that I serve as a mirror to some people......having them look at me and see something in themselves that they don't like......despite my trying so hard not to do that....and in turn that causes them to want to hurt me.....and I think the same will be true for my girl......and it is hard to explain why it happens, or how it happens......but it has been validated through my experience in therapy, and my therapist, and explained to me in a way that helps me understand why some of what I have faced I have......sometimes my strength, or my ability to do something, makes another person feel some kind of way.....and I have faced it a lot in my life......and so the other day in talking to a friend about some of the heartache I am feeling for my girl, I touched a place of deep pain......and it instantly brought me to tears, the breath catching kind, realizing that not only have I had to walk the road less traveled in this life, and face so many trials by fire......but perhaps as my girl grows, and my motherhood journey continues, my heart will have to be broken twice, another time on her behalf.......and I am not scared of much these days but that notion gutted me......it broke my heart for she and I, I do not want her path to be as challenging as mine has been at all......and I am not placing conjecture on her path at all....or being dramatic in this sentiment.....as I have already lived a gut wrenching chapter with her, that is a fact, when her dad left.....and watching her little face cry for months.....and express her heartache in heartbreaking terms, and the pain of my children was something that I thought might end me......the pain of watching them suffer was excruciating in ways I am not sure I will ever be able to articulate to another human......the physical pain.......and it is all unnecessary stuff playing out at the moment, as is often is the case, and I know life is like this too.....the ebb and flow.....and everybody has challenging places in their lives.....and I am hoping I am wrong.....and that my girl's life will be far easier than mine has been to date......I really do....and all of it, the thinking of it, and feeling it all, made me feel so sorry for my parents......they have had to sit front row to the chapters I have lived, and the big life that has found me on repeat.....and I can only imagine the excruciating pain they have experienced too........and another part of me is also so glad that I can walk with my girl and help her.....having such a clear understanding of so much, from my own trials by fire, that I can help her not feel alone.......and help her feel understood.....she is a special human......and I am not the only one that believes that:) I get told that often.....and she is built for magic and light......and I know I have no power in her journey.....it is her own.....and my role is to walk alongside of her.....and love her fiercely....and have her back endlessly, showing her the way.......but the thought that found me the other day gripped my heart, causing physical pain, and making me feel weak.......both of our hearts being so deeply feeling......and well.....that isn't easy in a world that isn't always kind, or deeply feeling......that is the truth......and ultimately above all else.......and amid everything I just poured out, EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS WORKING OUT FOR US, I truly believe that, and even when it is hard, even when it is heartbreaking, even when it challenges us, maybe ESPECIALLY then......and the truth is my girl is light years ahead of where I was at her age......the wisdom and sense of people she carries so deep and wide....and she is doing so well amid what is troubling her.....and THE way will appear for her always too......she has a great sense that carries her.......so I am deeply breathing.....every day, and knowing the way for us both through whatever comes our way......and feeling so grateful that my kids and I have each other, the biggest gift of my life:) The presence of them and the gift of them, worth every hardship I have walked through and every tear I have shed, amen! xoxo