Gulp........

Today I suppose marks the beginning of Gabe's senior year......I am taking him to do his senior portraits in the auditorium.....and it is bringing up so many feelings.....embarking on his senior year I guess brings some more wounds to the surface......and makes me think of all of the things we carry......I remember it being not too long ago that his tiny self boarded the bus for school......and I worried about so much......how he would manage....with his special needs, and school, and what would his education look like.....the questions were endless....but he landed in all of the right places......the right classrooms......and has had a beautiful run so far.......but I would be lying if I said I did not feel lonely in this at the moment......it hurts to not share this moment with his dad some....... the sharing of how far we have come......only the two of us really know how far that is.......and when these things come, and poke it a little, I acknowledge the feelings wanted to be heard......feel them and then step beyond......it reminds me of a campfire that you think is out.....but if you take a stick and shake the ash some, there are a few glowing embers.....and yeah.....I guess my grief and process feels like that sometimes......realizing that there is an ember there that I felt was long since extinguished....but there is glowing........Gabe has a handsome outfit to wear.....my dad tied a tie for me to take for him......and I shaved his face well......my mom gave him a haircut.....and he is ready:) As I was shaving his face the other day too it all hit me......how I never thought I would be the one.....the one for all of this......and I suppose it has cropped up too because I am seeking guardianship of him.....and creating special needs trusts and all the stuff......all of the heavy stuff.....and my arms are strong enough to hold it all no question.......but damn it feels heavy, and the weight feels intense at the moment.......so I am sticking to the plan.....taking life day by day....checking off my to do list one by one.....yesterday was another productive day.....and accomplishing what I set out to......today has more things in store.....starting with his picture appointment this morning......and I think getting ourselves out in nature is in order too today......and the energy that is out there is making me want to crawl in bed and hide lol:) Not get up and face all I must.....but well......that just isn't realistic.....I must take care of what I need to to get this school year set up and running, and I trust that all the moving parts will fall together as they have since the beginning of his schooling......and how they always do in life.....but this morning definitely has me up in my feels.....about my man boy.....and his last year in school.......and all that means.....and maybe as I type this.....which is why I love writing this blog so.....it helps me hear my heart.....I think what might be tugging at me, is that I simply did not expect or imagine my life to be like this as my boy became a senior......being a single mom.....doing the things......facing it alone......and well.....here I am......ready or not..........