OUCH!....that hurts!

I have come to learn that healing is a circle.....it really is.....not linear.....not point A to B.....but a giant circle we walk, until the circle closes.....or maybe almost does.....but I got hit with the need to take a healing walk yesterday.....I trust them when they come....facing the pain....grabbing my surfboard, and riding the wave is the way beyond....not pushing it away....or running from it......and at its source, this might be one of the deepest ones.....I came into this life with thoughtfulness in tow.....a steady and loyal energy.....ride or die.....I am a Taurus, and that is how we are made.....and it is what allows me to be the mother I am....the friend.....the teacher....coach.......daughter, all of it....you get the idea....and it doesn't mean I am better than anybody, or perfect in any way......just that there is a solidness about me...for my people...... that is rare, a kindness and gentleness......and one I have not come across often in this life..........and yesterday had me thinking of all of the things I have done for another human in the name of love......and I could list them all, the list going on and on....and that is neither helpful, or the point of this blog at all....but stay with me, and I will get there:) So I thought of all of those things......deeply thoughtful ones....ones I felt would delight and dazzle, or come in a time of need, and most definitely came from my heart......never doing any of them to have it returned....never with that intention.....but a deep sadness surfaced yesterday.....the whale living inside of me surfacing.......showing itself, with all of its battle scars.....and the whale showed me that there is a deep ache inside of me.......realizing that I haven't received the same care in return.....somebody seeking to delight me....and make me happy......not in the same way at all, ever....there is a genuine quality that I FEEL for my people that is deep and wide.....encompassing..and not in a needy way.....just in a way that honors the relationship we have formed....and so realizing that yesterday....and perhaps aching for the experience of it one day.....my experiencing that kind of energy returned FINALLY in this life, had me feeling some kinda way.....because it also goes along with the strength piece....the part where people don't think the "strong one" needs a thing....and they proceed as such.....and the independence, and strength just grows as my single mom life does.....but I can tell you the ache inside of there is deep.......knowing in my logical mind, that the men I have loved were not capable of loving that way.....having it on them.....knowing it had everything to do with that, and nothing else........but another place longing for their understanding in what I gave, and with such a willingness of spirit.....I guess feeling taken advantage some.....and really just having many layers......and maybe I haven't even explained it as well as I had hoped......but my mindset is where my power lies:) And so when I surfed for a bit on the feelings yesterday......I got out of the water.....and I took a deep breath....and leaned into the truth.....the truth is that the things I did, and chose to do, to make anybody in this life feel loved, and seen, to show them my love......was out of the goodness in me.....and a reflection of myself....given without strings attached.....and the energy it sent out into the world, continues to find its way back to me in other ways.....endlessly:) And maybe that is IT.....love writing and hearing myself in one keystroke:) It is because I struggle with the wanting it to be returned to me in the form that I have given it.......in love......in a partner......in a true union of love, loyalty, honor, and honesty......all of the things I try and offer my people......and while I continue to rest in the faith of that being up ahead, in divine timing, not my own........I choose to be grateful that my energy has been returned MANY times.......in MANY other ways......and that that is an amazing blessing on repeat....and that I am and continue to be a BLESSED woman, every single day.......and that this ache I have is valid.....the hurt being my own.....writing this entry is the last piece of this wave, this time......the tide receding and the sun rising this morning, as I put it to rest......healing happens by feeling, not pretending you don't hurt or ache.....and the health of our bodies and spirits are paramount to that healing.....and the acknowledgement of the wounds we carry.....thanks for listening.....Have a great day!