I need to make a confession.....

I had written some about this when it first happened but felt now that I have had the luxury of hindsight, and clarity it is time to touch it again.....I have a confession to make.....and it is a very important one, and a really human one......after my ex husband left and my divorce took hold, and the dust settled, I became REALLY clear on what would be in the "never again" in love for me pile.....the clarity and hindsight arriving with such a sharp and clear focus.....and then I got involved with and rekindled a friendship, that took many complicated turns, and developed into a romantic relationship.......and now in hindsight, my fighting it for so long is very telling.....my soul perhaps knowing something, my heart had yet to learn....and so in March it became clear to me that I needed to walk away.....to honor THIS woman.....the one I had suffered for for so long, and in so many ways.....BECAUSE my desire to be AUTHENTIC in my journey is my strongest pull.....I put my divorce out there right away....and I owned my story in my blog from the beginning.....blogging my journey, my pain, my suffering, in real time......and so being a champion of women now.....and holding space for women to empower THEMSELVES, is a calling I take very seriously.... and is my favorite:) and is not in line with my allowing myself to be treated in ways that I do not deserve, and in ways that are not in line with doing those things for myself:) And we believe that healing is linear....but when we carry deep wounds.....once that have lived within us for so many years, the undoing of them has to be a circle......continuing to touch it and circle around to it, until the circle closes once and for all:) and when I vowed after my divorce to not allow things ever again.......I honored that mostly.....there were things that never found their way back into my life....but then there were other things, lesser things......that started to show up, insidiously, in subtle ways.....masquerading under the guise of love, and working through the evolution of my new life, and new relationship.....but they were speaking to me deeply......my knowing that they were not OK with me....and not OK with this new version of me....and I stood up against them....which caused friction.....and strife......a tell indeed.......and I did not allow this NEW woman to walk quietly into a relationship that held ghosts of relationships past......I just wouldn't.....but I need to express this because there is a time where it felt hypocritical to me.....and I need to own that.....my journey is real, and raw, and human, and all the rest,....and I share all I do, not because I have all of the answers, but because I am willing to keep at it.....until I get it right:) And being called to protect the woman I fought to be, and walking away was in line with that......The divine calling me out, Like are YOU REALLY who you say you are? Or who you WANT to be???? REALLY???? And it took me a minute......but my answer was a resounding YES!!!!!!!!!!!!:):):) I AM HER now, no question.....no doubt......no hypocrisy living within me anymore......no doubting that I can do the hard work of choosing myself, and being bigger than my feelings......walking away from love to save myself.....knowing now what kind of love I seek.....not just for myself but for my daughter.....she is watching:) And my example for her is my north star.......guiding me.....so yes, there was a gray area there for a bit.....where I felt as I was supporting other women and championing them, I had let myself down some....being stuck somewhere where I did not belong.....needing to figure out how to finally set her free....and I am offering up grace for myself.....just like I do for those in my life.....she needed time to close the circle.....to walk her way to places......places that have haunted her all of her life.....so that she could finally find the place where she could set herself FREE.....and she has.....we all need time to heal......and sometimes over and over.....getting closer to where we want to be! So my hypocrisy at a certain point was not intentional......it was a result of an unhealed place in me that needed more healing is all......and I DID IT.....taking a knife and cutting the tether around my ankle that was keeping me stuck.......stuck in places that I had outgrown and places I needed to be brave enough to leave alone.....And I have mentioned the new era that I feel like this is......and I believe I was meant to be tested in this way.....by this situation......and given a real life test to take if you will........and I stumbled at certain points but in the end I got my A:) Allowing me to fully enter this chapter, seeking to grow my business and empower more women! Which by the way is my absolute honor and privilege to do......because a part of my past lives inside each of them too.....my knowing so deeply what they are feeling......And it feels good to step fully into my story......authenticity in tact.......any gray areas of hypocrisy shattered, and ready for what is next! I promised early on, to be as real as I could in this story....and I can honestly say I have done my best......knowing that today "my why" is as strong as it was the day I began nearly 5 years ago......NEW era, NEW level of healing and changing lives up ahead......as my NEW perspective locks and loads:) Happy Saturday:)