A long talk.......

I have written before about my lack of communication with my ex husband and the challenges that lie within all of that......we haven't had a conversation since the night he left, and really that night wasn't much of a conversation.....so I have had to reconcile the fact that it has felt like a death......and a sudden one.....and I have never sought to talk with him in the spirit of rekindling anything.....that ship is long gone, and likely sailed before our marriage ended if I am honest.....but I have sought, held out hope, and yearned some to have our relationship be improved, as friends and co parents for the sake of our children.....and that goal has been met with resistance, for lots of reasons.....but every once in awhile my dreaming self steps forward and allows a space for us to talk.....like real talk......talk with ease.....face to face.......and last night it happened again.....it doesn't happen often, and I don't dream about it a lot.....but once in awhile he shows up in a dream, and we get to communicate well.....and last night we talked a long time......we talked about some house stuff, some questions I had....I was putting in a fence up in the dream....and we talked about our kids......and life......and it all felt normal......what would happen if this situation were normal....which it continues to not be......so when I wake from that space, I am left with the feeling it leaves....which is one of a lovely easy feeling....like what if it had gone that way....how different this story would have been to live or experience....and our dream selves have it knocked.....all figured out.....early on I had more cathartic talks with him in my dreams....ones I needed to have, about our deeper issues....and that too has gone away now.....my psyche content to just talk now......with ease and about the fluffier parts of life....small talk.......but it really wasn't what was said this time that mattered in the dream....at other times that has been important.....this time it was the importance of the talking itself and the ease in which it was occurring.....that part occurs to me as I unpack it this morning:) One of the things that keeps me blogging....the unspinning of the yarn:)......I continue to hold hope that one day communication may ease between us....become easier somehow......and settle into a flow.....and all signs would point to my losing hope that that won't happen as the years keep passing by......but hope is the key to life....the belief in it, the holding on of it, the light found in it:) Happy Tuesday:)