A marathon not a sprint.......

So 4 years have passed since my ex left, and the story still spins on, and there are still places that it all affects my life, and the life of my children directly.....and early on I read this great book, and this woman had a lovely way about her writing, and she wrote about divorce being a marathon not a sprint.....and while my divorce was final back a few years, sharing our kids causes ties to be there, and therefore all that lies within.....and so here I am.....still running the marathon....having found that analogy to be so very true......and I took that so seriously when I read that all those years ago....working to keep myself in good physical and mental shape to endure it all.....filling my cup often, and full, to withstand it all.......and yesterday was challenging in all the ways that a day can be.....I can say with certainty that none of us wanted to be there.....that was the shared energy between us all....but it was a necessary part of it all.....and for me there was something that I was able to walk away with.....and there was a cathartic space that happened for me, that was deeply necessary.....and long overdue.....so while I wish it hadn't come to all that, I am hoping it will shift the story some, and help us all move on in the ways we need to, and I am proud of the kids and I for facing it all the way we did, and enduring the day, because it was not easy at all.......we went out to lunch in the afternoon and then cozied in.....and there was a lot of clarity for us all.......there is a wisdom in my kids that touches my heart.....they get it all......they feel it all......they just do....and I have done my best to sit back, and have them make their own assessments of the story they live in.....keeping my opinions and thoughts to myself and letting them draw conclusions of their own......and so the marathon rages on.....my knowing I need to keep myself healthy and strong to endure it for the long haul as our kids grow......and there were heartbreaking parts of yesterday, that I literally could feel in the pit of my stomach and in my heart.....and while none of us asked for any of this.....I feel like we have all assumed our roles, and it has been a catalyst of change for us all.....I spent a little more time in the presence of my ex yesterday than I normally do......and as I experienced that I marveled at where our 20 years went together......feeling no recognition in him, or no connection to him at all.....a clear disconnect of souls, that once knew each other so well.......and while I suppose there will be a part of us that will always sort of know certain things about each other......there is a larger part that has become perfect strangers.....and the idea of those connections we form and then break with people fascinates me.....like where does that energy go? Does it die, or transfer, or change, or is it transmuted somehow?? I sometimes wonder if the love and regard I once held for him was transformed into love for myself and a deeper love of my children.....taking that extra love that no longer had a place, and pouring it into us, and our home.....maybe that is what happens to lost love.....all that was apparent to me is that I no longer recognize the man I was once married to.....at all....and I suppose it is better this way, perhaps meant to be.....and I guess along the marathon route there have been places of rest, and there will continue to be....and I am hopeful that maybe the run will get easier. I just know that my kids are my whole heart.....and that anything I have had to endure, has been worth it to have them in my life and call them mine.....and do my best to do what I believe is best for them, they are truly the best xoxo