A NEW mother!

I had a moment with Mads yesterday.....one that made me realize so much of so much.....it is always so interesting to me the way clarity shows up.....like where is it before it meets us in our consciousness??? Hiding away somewhere.....waiting for the right time to show up perhaps;-) I know I write about my journey a lot in this blog, and the journey of my children.....and it has been a journey of self discovery often.....and it has been fun to explore....but there has not only been a shift of the Jenn I am as a woman.....a person on her own now.....I have transformed as a mother too.....in a way I found important yesterday while talking to my daughter.......once upon a time I loved my kids fiercely, and protected them with every fiber of my being.....that has not changed....at all:) Been a thing since I first laid eyes on them......mothering from the front row always....but there was a time when I remember being a mother from a place of fear.....feeling nervous, and jangly often....and worried, and fret filled.....and so much of that energy....not allowing myself to lean in, and enjoy it as much.....or spread the energy to my children that I wanted to....and now I can move from a calmer and more peaceful place as a mom.......more chill if you will.....not lax.....but chill;-)....and when the rest of your life is challenging, and unsteady, it definitely breeds that wound up energy......so she and I were standing in the kitchen, and she told me one of her friends thinks I am cool, and wishes her mom was like me lol:) And I laughed, and said well she must not really know me then, and then we both laughed:) But it struck me in that simple moment.....as Mads was expressing how chill I am.....that I say yes more than I say no......that I let her be her, and do her thing.....she said all of that.....and this version of me is not the one I would have been had my marriage continued......being on edge is not a way to live your life, and not an easy place to mother from.....and in the short term after his leaving, I worried about the impact of having such a sad and devastated mom on their hands would have on them....but I was lucky that did not last too too long.....giving myself time to walk through it....but finding joy soon enough......and then having a different mom being returned to them....and really this mom is the one that Mads will remember most.....she was so young when he left and doesn't remember much about the me then, which makes me sad some too.....we had some great times then too, my kids and I...and even some as our family of 4....but I wonder sometimes about Gabe....how he really feels inside, if he feels the contrast..... and the closeness the three of us share is such a testament to the road we have traveled so far.....and we talked about the saying no thing....I told her that as she grows, and wants to make decisions for herself I won't prevent her from doing that.....telling her that when something calls to her to do, then often times it is for her.....if it calls from that deep place.....not the foolish one;-) She has a pretty good internal guiding system already though, and I trust that....but I told her those are the things we should be doing.....the stuff that summons our souls....and to always listen for that.....but all at once I realized that I get to be a different mother....as a result of this story.....not being taxed by stress and anxiety....and fear.....moving from calm and relaxed places......that other more nervous mom is gone......knowing better now....that everything is always working out, everything, always.....for herself and her children, and for you too:) Have a great day! Stay cool:)