A pang of grief......

I have written freely about my grief that circles around......always giving it a voice.....and I do not think my grief is so simple........or clean lined......it is complicated at best.....because my grief will forever exist in between the fact that I lost my marriage and family, an enormous blow.....more pain than has ever found me in this life........but that truth lies between the fact that I am also better off.....and that is a hard thing to reconcile and find a way to lay down neatly......so sometimes things still bubble up, despite my having that understanding.....and my understanding of that is deeper than anything I have ever known.....I know each and every day that I could not live this life in the confines of my marriage, as it was in those final years......so I have made peace with that.....but sometimes grief still comes and it is unexpected.....unwelcome......I went to my routine mammogram yesterday and in the waiting room my mom texted me the pictures of Mads losing her first tooth.....and it was so cute and she was so excited.....she has been working on this tooth for DAYS...:) so as I was leaving the parking lot I sent the picture to him.....knowing he wouldn't respond, for reasons I still don't understand......as things seem amicable......but there are still rules I am guessing or some restriction that prevents him from freely communicating???.......and I would really like to share our children's milestones with him.....and still being unable to, brings grief.......so I sent the picture and shared in silence.....and for as long as I live I will never understand such a huge portion of this....and some of the things that have happened or he has done, or does........I can make guesses.....speculate.....but the full truth and understanding may elude me for life......and while I also deeply understand that that stuff falls in his journey category, and much of it has nothing to do with me at all.......it still hurts sometimes.....I still hold out hope our relationship can evolve into a space where communication opens up fully, and there doesn't have to be an elephant prancing around in it endlessly.....I am a sucker for hope.....I never give it up despite a part of me knowing that as time marches on, the likelihood of that diminishes.......so most of the time, and in my day to day......I try my best to be grateful for the way it is .......and the tolerable space we have found....a place I can live with......and a place that shows our kids most of what I want to.....and in the end I can only control myself, and my part in this story, which I know deeply too......so wishing and hoping for somebody else to be different is likely the most futile of places to put one's energy.......I know that.....but .....yeah......just sometimes........