A tough day today, and still doing hard things.....

Early on in this story I adopted the mantra that "I can do hard things" and those 5 fairly simple words saved me some days....and I still rely on them when the rubber hits the road to remind me......that I can do hard things, and have done hard things, and likely will continue to.....and today may be one of the toughest days in this story for me.....I am struggling some with so many of the pieces this day holds....and have so many emotions surrounding it all....but maybe most of all shock and awe that this is where we are....and see that is the thing.....we don't get to decide so much of what happens to us....we just must live in the stories that are spun sometimes.....and while I initiated the wheels that brought me to this day, believing I had no other choice......I did not see this day so many years ago.....and there have been times since my divorce where I am stunned so completely, and shocked that it just takes hold, and leaves me reeling for a minute....and I feel like that today.....and yesterday morning I was struggling with the weight of it......like carrying a box that is awkward, and heavy, and you are tackling it alone, up the stairs and huffing and puffing to make it work.....and then I decided to lay it down....picked up my kids from school, and laid it down.....leaning into my faith.....stopping the struggle with it all....and letting go.....and the hardest part of today is it involves my kids some, and stuff I do not want for them.....and an experience I never wanted them to have....and I don't have a choice.....so......here we are....However the peace that found me last night allowed me to sleep soundly.....even fall back to sleep this morning.....and every time the peace is found in the surrender....I have said it many times.....surrender is not weak......letting go in a situation and doing what you can, and then releasing your grip on the outcome is true freedom....we were not made to carry such heavy things.....not alone anyway......and sometimes I get angry that I am forced to be stronger than I want to be.....a lot......and called to be so strong all of the time....and I yearn for a softer life.....and softer places to be in.....and somebody to be right there to help me.....but that is not my life, and really never has been.....I do a lot on my own, and always have.....and while it makes me feel angry at times, it is also the thing that makes me feel safe in the world.....knowing that the strength that lives within me, and my faith, can take me any place I am called to be.......so today my crew and myself are doing hard things.....that same strength living within my children.....and I will be glad when we are past it.....and I am trusting the journey, and bringing us to this moment.....as unpleasant as it is.....I believe it is necessary.....and so here we go.......Amen.......