A whale sighting......

Since I began this journey I have created some analogies to attempt to explain the senseless things I have encountered, and make better sense of them, to the best of my ability.......and one of them that makes sense so completely to me, is that I have placed all the grief I have accumulated in this life, inside of a "whale" that lives within me......and the whale swims peacefully within me most of the time......coexisting with me, and holding all that pain and grief for me, so that I can LIVE free:) But every once in awhile it surfaces, and I spot it and more importantly FEEL it.......and there are all types of grief that live within that whale, but there is one piece that can be still be so sore sometimes.......and one that not everybody that walks this story has to live with.....when my ex walked out, not only did he end our marriage and family, which let's face it, is a tough enough thing to carry, but he also turned his back on me completely.....if I had to guess at the amount of words he and I have exchanged face to face in over 5 years, I would say 100, it is more likely less than that.........I am not permitted to talk to him face to face about our kids, or have conversations with him.....and I have accepted that strange part of all of this.....that part is their issue, not mine, and part of it has helped me feel so disconnected from him in every way, even as the father of my children.......I do not feel as if I co parent at all......or that I have a person in my life that I share children with..........I am a single mom....... and dad most of the time in the truest sense......and when I text him it is brief, and based on logistics......pick up drop off times etc, I don't even share with him about the kids anymore, no point........and recently I came across a card from his mom to him......and she passed away last year......and I could not throw it out, so when I texted to see if he was taking the kids this weekend, I just added that I found the card, and I would send it with my kids.......and after I hit send and let it go out into the world......with the knowledge that he wouldn't respond......that he would perhaps say he was taking the kids.....which isn't going to be the case this weekend anyway......but knowing that his response would be a one word response......and in all of that realization, the whale came up for air.......my feeling the grief of having him turn his back on me completely.....despite my sharing the most incredible humans with him......and it does not hurt me most of the time, it really doesn't, it is so completely his journey and his decisions and he lives with the impact of those decisions every day of his life......but it is STILL hard for me to believe......that sounds so stupid as I type that.....like why would shock and awe still come up......he has shown who he has decided to be so often, and yet sometimes when I face the truth of who he has turned out to be in regards to me, I still find it surreal and shocking.......and as my beliefs have shifted in terms of my spirituality, and my journey, I choose to believe that in the divine plan, I am meant to be as disconnected from him as possible, to live my truth......and have him live his......but when somebody betrays you so deeply, and also turns their back on you, it is not for the faint of heart.....and unfortunately I have experienced it more than once......learning to forgive without an apology, one that is so well deserved, and has been earned for sure.....and really as I express all of that, it is my sense of loyalty that feels the most offended by all of it, because I would not be capable of treating another human that way......I speak of not being judgey and that is true mostly, unless you are mean, dishonest, or disloyal.......those traits are tough for me.....especially a lack of loyalty.....because my loyalty used to know no bounds, and certainly no boundaries for myself......just my giving it endlessly in all sorts of places that did not deserve it......Yesterday was Friday the 13th in March.......marking a 6 year cycle since the last Friday the 13th occurred when we all went home for Covid.......and I saw a meme that said if I could go back and speak to the person I was then, and tell her all that would happen, she would never believe it.....and damn I felt every word of that.......at that time I had my troubled marriage consuming me, as the pandemic began.......and soon I would become a single mom and get a divorce, and navigate teaching during Covid......but then the magic carpet ride would begin also;-) Not all magic, some really earth shattering heartache too....... but lots of magic, and TONS of blessings:) And I do not resemble that woman at all, not even a little......and she was so fierce, and strong in her own right.....she really was, not deserving of any of the treatment she was receiving, and did receive in the end.....not at all......and maybe this morning I know that truth better than I ever have.....and I know my ex turned his back on me because I am a visual representation of some of the most heinous things he has ever done.....and facing me makes that real.....so when you do somebody so dirty, hiding is better.......shirking your accountability......it takes a big person to own their behavior, and stand up and be honorable in it.....but understanding all of it, and the rest of it......learning so much in therapy about it all, doesn't change the grief that still lives in my whale related to ALL of it.....it has been one of the harder parts of this story to "get over"......but I have, focusing on myself, and my journey, my kids, my health, and creating a life we love......and feeling my whale doesn't mean that isn't true, it just means that grief doesn't have an expiration date, we live with it in some form all of our days, and accepting that is part of healing, and gosh I am grateful for my whale....for carrying all those things for me.....what a gift that is too:) Happy Saturday! Enjoy:) xoxo