Abandon.......

"To cease to support or look after someone......desert"......it is a hefty word.....And being abandoned in this life by my spouse was tough no question......on a moment's notice, and there it was......he was gone, and I was alone in our home, with our children.......but I have come to learn that that isn't the worst kind of abandon......the worst kind is when we abandon ourselves......abandon who we are.....who we want to be.....how we want to show up for another person......or for any reason really......there is a fine line I have learned between being self aware, and owning fully who we are.....and I think if we are going to live in peace and joy, we need to walk that line well......changing the things that crop up that need to be but accepting the other parts, and being who we are, or who we came here to be....and this chapter has been about reconnecting, rekindling if you will my relationship with myself....I have known her most of my life, but abandoned her many times.....quieting her......repressing her......hiding her away for the sake of others.....and in this part of my life.....I no longer have the time or energy to do any of that.......I will never abandon myself again for anybody.....and that has become a powerful part of all of this for me.....showing myself that I can live alone and do so happily.....and know that I never need to do any of that again in the name of love......I get to be ALL of me, and if somebody gets it they do, and well if they don't then......that is OK too......and being in love is divine.....one of the greatest human gifts we are given in this life.......and being loved well.......and I suppose love has been challenging for me in my past due to some of the independent parts of me....I am an independent person.....choosing to go it alone, and keeping stuff inside instead of leaning in and asking for anything.......and sometimes it feels I grew to be that way because when I put myself out there, I was shown that it wasn't a good idea.....it wasn't received or understood well....and so I learned to just be silent......and handle it all internally.....and that is tough.....especially for a long time......and so maybe what I understand as I type this is that when I was finally really alone......abandoned in the truest sense.....that part finally felt fine and comforting.....knowing I could go within and solve my problems.....and I didn't have to feel sad about it anymore.....because there was nobody to look to for any of it....just me......so as I navigate forming a relationship with another human.....and reconcile all these parts it is what I am keeping in mind......feeling protective of all the things I fought so hard for in this chapter.....stuff I paid for, things that came with a high price tag.....and I know however my story continues to unfold, and love unfolds......I will never abandon myself again.....not ever....never willing to shrink her down, or hide her away, or well you get the idea:) She is me, and she is enough indeed, more than enough, always has been, and I am glad I got to meet her in this life fully.....reconnecting with an old friend it feels like, one I hadn't seen in years and missed:) And one that will always be OK........Have a good day! :)