Addicted to the chaos.....

When you spend a portion of your life in chaos or conflict that FEELS normal....and when it crops up it doesn't set off alarm bells, because it is what you are used to.....but when you finally reside in peace and calm.....creating a place where your nervous system can finally rest, you become particularly sensitive to chaos.....and what once was attractive is no longer....As I have been healing, and taking the time to do the work of healing, which by the way is SO much.....like who knew;-) BUT it is worthwhile work.....every moment of it.....and I feel like in addition to closing a chapter, and stepping into a new era, I have hit a new level of healing.....like one wound is completely healed, no longer visible to my heart...:) Finally closing completely in the wake of my understanding.....I know that I closed the chapter on what I find attractive now.....so completely....and it feels good, to be in that space.....I am feverishly planting seeds for my next chapter.....being consistent, and laying the groundwork necessary for my next chapter....and the addiction to chaos and drama, or I should not even really say that....more of an awareness that it feels like a familiar spot....and therefore doesn't evoke a feeling of wanting to get away from it.....but now it doesn't......I now feel an aversion to it, in a BIG way.....and it was actually especially heartbreaking at one time to experience what I did in my last relationship....because for so long it was so lovely, calm, and easy and the energy wasn't chaotic....and slowly it crept in......his chaos coming in....and my knowing I did not want that anymore, but being in too deep so to speak....and now my knowing he likely knew I would tolerate some of his chaos, due to my own unhealed history.....and that part of my life is over.....forever.....I know that so completely....this year being the year of completion.......NO more.....and I suppose I touch on it today, because you can never underestimate the power of a pattern, ever......it is deeply rooted within us....and I suppose the other moment I had was seeing my daughter shy away from drama and chaos in a situation, realizing that I have instilled a new story in her....one that makes peace feel like her default:) And that feels good to see that in her....I have no interest in being near or around drama or chaos in any form....and will avoid it at all costs.....and well....that feels kind of amazing, since at one time I was the chaos coordinator lol:) The one juggling all the chaos of other people, desperately trying to find peace.......this morning I opted for my bedroom.....my little fireplace heater on....my bedroom Christmas tree aglow......coffee beside me....music softly playing, and peace EVERYWHERE.....my kiddos fast asleep......and it is my favorite part of the day....we can relearn....we really can.....reset......recalibrate....undo the factory settings.....and begin anew:)