AGAIN!

It is hard for me to fully articulate how strange the holiday has become, I tried to touch on it the other day too......... or just how different it has felt the last few years......and not only because I am divorced.....I think perhaps that is a piece of it too, but it is as if this heavy energy finds my life right as the holiday commences....and it has been so challenging, and the kids and I have spent the last 3 out of 4 holidays alone for the entirety of Christmas week......due to them getting sick.....one year we had Covid, and then one year we were in quarantine due to supposed exposure by their dad.....and the last year the kids were sick all week.......and guess who has sick kids again.......sigh:(.......and I realize Christmas is still a few days away, so hope is alive for us to not be alone again:) But I feel disappointed some.....I would be lying if I said otherwise....I LOVE THE HOLIDAYS and they have felt foiled the last few years and then before that I was contending with my ex's affair all through the holidays......and today I feel bummed because one of the largest perks of being divorced is to have the time to wrap and prepare easily while they are at their dad's house.....and today that was the plan, and now I am not sure if that will happen.....I will see what they want to do when they get up and see if they want to go.....all of their things are at my parent's house.....and now I need a plan B or C or D.....forever my plan anyway:) But I need a moment in the frustration of it happening AGAIN.....and sometimes it seems as if things have to be so challenging on repeat....and it makes me weary at times.....I carry a lot on a regular basis, and sometimes it is those smaller things that tip the scales for me.....so this morning finds me crafting a new plan if they cozy in with their mama....which is where I think they should be when they are not feeling well anyway.....and I will shovel.....and spend some time on chores which was my plan too this weekend......I have to go to the skin doctor on Monday....I have a little spot under my eye that needs to be looked at, and since I have a history of skin cancer, I am not messing around:) So that is Monday and that may require me bringing sick kiddos with me if that is how it all unfolds......However blessings always arrive to balance it all beautifully and place it all in perspective.....Half of my cabinets are hung.....and my kitchen floor is laid....just needing grout now:) And the pieces are falling together in the best of ways......The kitchen is feeling like a beautiful birth.....the patience it requires to be pregnant and wait for that beautiful baby:) And so my heart and spirit of gratitude is on all of that and knowing in the grand scheme of life this is small.......And if the kids and I are on our own this week again, well then that is OK too.....I will figure out a way to make that work, and just revel in cozying in with them, and nursing them back to health......fighting what is, is futile.....I know that with every fiber of my being and complaining about what is is even worse:)......so I acknowledged my feelings this morning, and now I am releasing them......Plan B is a good plan too.....or C or D or E....;-) Crafting alternative plans is sorta my thing:) So that I will......Have an amazing Saturday:)