All this time.....

You know how sometimes you acclimate to your life so much, that when it is mirrored by somebody else it hits you in a different way......one that maybe comes with more clarity and understanding? I was speaking to another single mom the other day, Mads had a play date........and she had moved in with her parents after leaving her husband. And now she is starting a new journey and moving into a house.....and she was speaking to not really considering herself a "single mom" because she is rarely alone with her kiddos due to her parents being there with her up until now, and offering her the support with the kids and refusing rent etc from her......and that moment brought clarity......not in the space of her journey being any less valid or challenging than mine.....not at all.....this journey is not easy no matter what it looks like......but I guess there was something speaking to me about coming up on 4 years alone here.....with my crew.....and realizing it all....and that I have done that part.....the alone part with my kids .....yet.....not feeling lonely....seeking connections through friends and the people in my life as needed, but taking much needed time.....to go inward and heal our space......both around us and internally.....and I feel we have, our party of 3......Mads was verbalizing that the other day....saying she was glad we live like we do.....and I asked her for clarification on that....did she mean she is glad I don't have somebody living here with me? Or did she mean without her dad?......and she finally verbalized the latter......that living in the household as it stands......the three of us.......versus the tumultuous end of my marriage, and our family is preferable and she gets it now and would not want her dad here......which I cannot really express how that made me feel.....part of it made me sad for her but part of it was relief, because for the longest time she was pining for stuff to go back to the way it was....and I was biting my tongue not being able to share in that pining.....and she would ask me endlessly if I wished her dad was here......and I would be hemming and hawing.....not wanting to lie......and say I did.....just saying that I wish our family had worked for all of us.....and maybe I will always wish that.....seeing happy and sweet families that made it....and wish that had been the version I had been given.....or found in this life.....and coupling that wish with the gratitude of the life I have been given, and the richness of my life now too.....we all get the lot we get.....and we have to play the hell out of them cards right;-) so that awareness found me.......how long I have lived alone now....and the fact that my kids have fully accepted our new life as an amazing one.....and no longer long for the things I cannot give them.....and no longer feeling our life is flawed or less than...........and that feels good.....because nobody wants to see their kids wishing for stuff they cannot oblige......and really I just feel so blessed that we have been provided all the provisions, protections, and blessings we have needed to live on our own all this time, and thrive, and I look forward to seeing what our future holds! What new chapters we get to live, loving and growing together:)