Alone.......

I have had some real epiphanies and clarity come to find me in the last few weeks....and despite the connections I have in my life, some quite lovely and deep and profound.....I am essentially alone....in a real sense.....in the sense that it is up to me to do so much, and I am on my own to make it all happen.....and that fact doesn't bother me so much, I have come to accept it....for whatever reason I am destined to live a life that is unique of some others around me....and a life that is not always fully understood, and is wrought with challenges on repeat........and a life that is also understood perfectly by others.....people found in the most unexpected of places.......but often times I feel very much alone, even in crowded rooms....and that is a feeling I have had to reconcile some......and the truth is, this may sound a bit depressing some, But I do not write about it to have that be the case at all....and for me that is not how I feel about it....I have an acceptance of it....and I have quite enjoyed the journey within that I have taken.....learning how to be alone and like it......and the longer I am maybe the more that becomes true......yesterday I painted some....with my tunes on.....and then I went to the skin doctor....and took my kids with me....my cheek got frozen by liquid nitrogen.....ouch........and I had a spot removed from my arm to be biopsied.....and then I grabbed pizza, and my groceries and we came home and cozied in....and I am grateful for my kids.....they are the people in my space in the day to day that help balance the alone truth I live......and my special somebody is long distance at the moment too....I don't have him in my day to day, so yeah.....it is me....and I would be in the kinda mood to gather my people, and have a little soiree at the moment....to connect and have some holiday revelry....but my kitchen is still not there so.....my friend JM came over yesterday to drop gifts, and she is so thoughtful and sweet, and never makes me feel alone.....and she checked in on me after my appointment which was sweet.....and I am blessed with connections like that....deep and real ones.......but I guess I highlight the alone part because ultimately.....that is the truth.....and I am sure others out there feel it too....and if anything is happening it is up to me.....the painting of the dining room needs to be done in the new space of the kitchen and well....here I am:) And while I was alone in my marriage often too.....more than I care to admit.....I still had a person to default some to, and that just isn't so now.....I also think I have come to a better acceptance of the fact that I am wildly independent......I always have been.....and that isn't the norm either....so I guess I am well equipped for this alone chapter I am in:) I have felt alone a lot in my life, even around people.....and I don't know what that is....and I guess the last 4 years it has been even more like that due to the journey and evolution my life has taken......I was listening to a station while I painted yesterday that I haven't in a long time.....and a song came on from the time my ex left.....it was a pivotal song that he and I talked about, and the lyrics spoke to his leaving....and it caught me....I had a moment of the grief of all that lies unspoken between us forever and ever.....and it was not in a space of wishing for any different outcome.....I remain grateful for the outcome that found us every day.....but it was a place of hurt for what once was.....and the love that was once present between us.....so it caught me....and the kids were upstairs, and I was alone staring at the wall with the paintbrush in hand, tears finding me and goosebumps breaking out on my skin.....letting the feelings come.....and it felt like a moment that was needed....and it definitely reminded me of where grief lives.......grief is always there somehow......living in a spot.....waiting to be freed some or given room to breathe.....and I guess mine needed some fresh air.....this holiday is strange.....stranger than maybe all the ones the last few years....and that is OK.....I am painting today before we head to church tonight.....I am feeling grateful that I could provide the Christmas my kids asked Santa for;-) They will be excited for all of their things, and I will feel grateful to have done it, and have a full heart watching it all unfold:) Merry Christmas Eve:)