Balancing my evolution................

I am excited......clearly energetically excited about where my life is going on any given day these days, and the changes that are taking place inside of me.....mind, body, and spirit.......it has completely captivated me.....the process of becoming more like me.....more like my authentic self.......deep within.......for the first time in all my life........but the part for me that attempts to steal that joy is the incessant.......pull.......the palpable pull of a circus that doesn't belong to me.....and to keep my foot from getting sucked into it all.....like stepping in deep mud......and some days it takes all the fight in me to not get sucked in.....to remind myself I am traveling somewhere else these days......sometimes it feels like repeatedly running out of gas on a road trip you cannot wait to get going on......can't wait to hit the open road.....then a flat tire.....damn that flat tire.........yeah it feels like that....and I am not saying that in a superior way......I really am not......like I am better than them......I am just saying it, as an awareness in me that my journey is not theirs......not even close now........so vastly different in all the ways..... and yet I still have to travel alongside his journey.....and alongside theirs to some degree........I have to......and truth is I don't want to.......like not even a little bit........would never consciously invite that kind of energy into my life.......not ever...........and unfortunately I don't have a choice in that........because my children will be always be his children too.......it is that simple fact.......and this would be so much easier if that weren't so.....if we could just cut ties for good.......and I never had to see him again......truly......because I feel like I keep trying to head where my road is leading and being pulled down from time to time by them and their road.......and it can be really frustrating......and today was one such day......and then it hit me.......that part of my evolution IS tied to his......and to him....... in my dealings with him through this, I AM walking MY path.......the decisions I make are tied to my future self......and where I end up....his story is helping me grow........requiring so much of me in the day to day......in the here and now.......asking me to be better....... to do better......to not react......to let go......to summon the better parts of me.....to not get caught up in the small stuff........to find peace......to surrender.......to not be tied to outcomes......only offer opportunities........to extend grace.......to extend kindness.......to extend compassion........even if none of it is coming back to me......from him anyway.....in this moment...........that is NOT THE POINT..........the point is my evolution is tied to these things.........and in turn.......maybe his will be too........that is my prayer......my hope......that the seeds I plant today......will grow in him tomorrow........