Being both.......

Today is Father's Day....And my kids are spending it with their father.....and rightly so.....he is their father.....but as I have walked this path, so am I in a real sense.....I do most of the parenting these days....he sees them on his weekends.....but day to day, and in and out, I am absolutely their mom and dad.....and I didn't ask to serve that role too, alongside being the mom.....but I have been happy to step in, and do as hi def parenting as I can muster, so they don't feel the loss of that.....there is a male vacancy here that I hope my daughter doesn't chase in empty spaces....my son also feeling the absence of having a dad living here......they both have a strong relationship with my dad....which is a blessing....and I know not having a dad present in my daughter's story from such a young age will impact her life.....there is no way it cannot......and I can only hope that it won't in ways that will cause her to do things she shouldn't, or seek things she shouldn't.....my goal is to make her feel so fierce and worthy that she won't need to look for things in the wrong places.....amen.....but I cannot fool myself or her....that the missing dad part is real.....it just is......she doesn't have a present dad in her day to day life....that is true....he spends time with her when he sees her, but is not present in the rest of her life....and it is a big part that he is absent from.....so I am trying to fill that space, so she doesn't feel the absence of it so deeply.....and carrying the weight of single motherhood is immense....it really is....its weight cannot be minimized.....and you can't really know till you know.....although I don't stay in that spot often....don't choose to think of it that way.....and I certainly don't feel that way about it most days....it isn't a burden.....but a blessing....a gift that I get to have in this life......having such an enormous bond with my kids.....ones that transcends parental roles....one that transcends it all....and just lives in love.....and a balance has been found between my feminine and masculine parts.....feeling equipped to serve as their dad often too.....and I know they enjoy spending time with him when they can, and he tries to make those times special......but it is a funny thing becoming a dad when you are also the mom.....and feeling the weight of it all....I didn't expect that, so today I celebrate my own dad.....a strong presence in my own life....and all the men that have walked in my life as fine examples of what it means to be a man....and show up for their families in the ways they should.....and I feel the absence of my children today some...the house never feels quite right without them here....and I am sure they will have a great day with their dad.......and I plan on spending some time with my mom and dad today, a rare treat on my own.....so I salute all the dads....doing the things and molding lives.....and I also salute the single mamas doing double duty too.....I see you, I really do:) Happy Father's Day:)