Being humiliated........

There is a part that always strikes me when I speak to women or clients, man or woman, who have been cheated on, and left by their spouse that remains universal......and that is the deep humiliation, that resides alongside the deep betrayal....and it is something that is not talked about much, and I write about it today because it came up this past week with somebody I was speaking to......and the reason that it isn't talked about enough, or at all, is because of the nature of humiliation......when you are humiliated by another person....especially somebody that you loved and trusted so deeply, your first inclination is to hide away.....it is our human nature......Humiliate means " to make (someone) feel ashamed and foolish by injuring their dignity and self-respect, especially publicly." And that is true in every sense when your spouse cheats......And I feel I can speak to it in this blog because I was humiliated at one point......deeply and I am no longer......but that was the first emotion besides deep hurt that found me.....and I did not tell very many people for the first two years because of that......I only told who I felt I absolutely had to.....and I hid in the humiliation and shame.....feeling so many things about my deeply tarnished marriage as I fought to save it......and then when he left, and I realized that it was on him.....that all the therapy, and work in the world would not save something...... unless both people wanted it.....I was FREE.......FREE to break through that humiliation and own my truth......picking it up, and wearing it, and owning it with my head up not down........and I think the lesson is twofold.....it is not only to surrender and let go, and not feel humiliated by other's actions related to you, but it is also to realize that this is universal.....it applies to every person in your life......feeling ashamed because of our spouse, our parent, our sibling. our child, our............fill in the blank.....is a complete waste of energy and time......what people do has to do with them, period.........and spending time hiding in shame because of those actions is not worthwhile......I mean I understand that our children feel like a reflection of us....and I do think that is true to some degree.....based on parenting etc.....but even then......what they do has to do with them too.....we are all on a journey.....a very individualized one......a very unique one......and owning the things others do just isn't worthwhile........and when I was stuck in that humiliation and shame it felt awful......I thought what must be wrong with me that my husband would have an affair?? And I filled in the blanks......with all sorts of self deprecating answers.....and it felt awful....and I don't say that to say that the health and success of a marriage isn't carried on both people's shoulders...I believe it takes two, and I am not a perfect woman at all......but I say that to say I realized early on his affair was about him.....and that I did not need to carry that weight too amid the rest......and that is one of the things that drives me, and my willingness, and desire to continue to work with women and touch their lives......to help free them of that.......deciding to own my story and step past the shame of it.....to obliterate that from my experience has changed everything........when you go from being a married person to a single person in a sudden event it is tough.....like being banished from some civilization......and lugging around shame and humiliation doesn't serve anybody.......so it nudged at me this morning to explore this some.....I hope somebody reading needed to hear this....to help lighten your holiday......It isn't about you, it really isn't......I see YOU, YOU are enough......YOU always were enough.........Have a Happy Thanksgiving:):)