Betrayed......AGAIN......

I know I promised that I would not write too much about all of this.....seeking to leave it behind....which is true....that is my desire......but it turns out I do need to work through some of what is coming, and honor my healing journey through this too....and I answer that call through my blog.......and that was the secret sauce nearly 5 years ago to find my way beyond it all.....so betrayal y'all.......UGH.....in my opinion from experience, and in reading things that I did all those years ago, it is one of the worst things that can happen to another human, and one of the worst things a person can do to another human, I stand by that so completely.......and in the short term shock finds you, like physical heart pounding shock......but then a funhouse ensues......having you question the experience you had with the person that betrays you.......like what was real?? Was any of what they said or did true? Can I trust what I knew to be true, and felt amid this stark realization and knowledge that is now staring me in my face.....and this is what I will say....is that my therapist did shed some light on it for me back down the road, that sort of helps answer some of that.....when a person is damaged......deeply....from childhood trauma, or some other place....they become able to compartmentalize their lives.....having learned that as a coping mechanism......and he described it as a person going to a closet and pulling down the shoeboxes of their lives.....and meaning and living in each of them when they do....but keeping them all separate.....not having them integrated....and so he felt very much that what I experienced with my ex was real.....his taking down our shoebox from time to time and living that story line.....and while intellectually that makes sense...right?? And really it is sad.....for lots of reasons, but it does not excuse any of what a person does....and as I am now facing all of those feelings, and the funhouse that has arrived.....making you wonder what you can believe and how can you characterize your experience.....standing in that wavy mirror's reflection and wondering how I am here again.......and last night found me having a good night's sleep.....that was a step in the right direction.....and in this latest story there was a serial component to the betrayal and his actions that makes it all the more horrifying........so some takeaways again find me.....I am not sure we can ever really KNOW somebody.....I remember feeling that has my marriage ended......and now again....having spent the better part of the last 4 years really getting to know this person that turned out to not be who I believed him to be at all.....and I cannot overstate the disorienting feeling that leaves.....at all....especially when you trust yourself again. And as I said the saving grace of this story for me, is that my intuition spoke up, and took me out of it before this horrifying reality came to light......that feels really good.....and the timeline is such that I felt the deception as soon as it entered in......and I was right.....however that fact does not take away the other stuff.....all the good times we had, the laughs, the deep talks, the intimacy we shared from afar and face to face.....spending years building a foundation that I thought would always serve us well as friends or partners.....and when you betray somebody you shatter ALL of that......ALL of it just disintegrating in the betrayal.....as I have said many times....I have been met with pain in this life, maybe more than your average human.....having lots of big life stuff find me......and betrayal is the worst of all...I can say that so clearly.....the layers of it are relentless.....the healing endless, and the process arduous......However as I have been all of this time, I am remaining fearless, and fiercely committed to my journey to overcome this too......adding it to my resume of life experience that can help me help other women.....and help heal them too.....and support them in their pain.....and as was my previous experience, it is the beginning part that is challenging.....and once that passes.....it gets better and easier for sure.....but it never leaves.....even 5 years later, the sting of betrayal has stayed with me....tender spots still there........and this new betrayal will also live inside of me likely for some time to come.....and maybe neither of them will fully be healed when I am a little old lady.....the tapestry of scars we all carry with us....and sometimes that is just how it is.....and the deeper your capacity to love, I believe is equal to the level of hurt you can experience in betrayal......and well....I love deep and hard and that leaves space for equal pain.....and what I also know to be true is this.....our wounds don't define us......not if we face them and heal them......and now I know the way:) that is true......so this won't take as long as what I just walked through was for sure.....and I will not let it define me, AT ALL.....it came to teach me many things.....some really important things about myself.....and as I felt in March, in the call to walk away, it taught me that my self worth and self love is on point:) No longer abandoning myself for love, walking away while actively being in love with somebody because it was shown to me that I needed to.......Not allowing myself to stay where I no longer belonged.....and so that feels quite powerful considering my other story......But I do implore people to not betray the folks that love you......please......the wound you leave is wildly unfair and complicated in all of the most challenging ways.....and besides as I have said love is a gift and deserves to be treated as such.......always, never taking it for granted.....and people need to heal their own wounds, so they don't bleed on others......and I thought he had, but I was so wrong.........and so this morning I know with certainty that I will be able to alchemize this pain and this situation for good:) That has become one of my new superpowers:) And I am grateful for the divine guidance in all of that.....and the strength to do that........and we don't get to decide the story lines we live in.....knowing what I do now, I still would have lived it the way I did.....seeing the pieces that were paramount to my journey to right here.....and elevating my journey again.....leaving what no longer serves me and creating a new path......and while I wish that this betrayal work wasn't mine to heal......or a part of this story.....it is......and I am up for the task, and I will alchemize it for good, that is my vow:) And I know that it will serve me up ahead as my previous pain has......realizing that when we are about to level up we need to drop the things that are weighing us down, vibrating them right out of our experience, and I will not let it poison me, jade me or my spirit or my light:) Understanding that what attracted this relationship to me 4 years ago, was the very UNHEALED version of me, and the fact that it is all shattered, and completely done shows me all of the healing I have done, as it can't stay in my experience, having outgrown it fully:) Like graduation and THAT feels good!.I am good:)......and it is well with my soul this morning in spite of it all, my peace is never up for grabs.......and shifting my mindset and healing is the way.......Amen xoxo. And THIS.....Hurt people hurt people no doubt but hurt people also heal people:) That is a choice indeed:) xo