CHOP....Alone......

Once upon a time I did not have the confidence to come to Children's Hospital of Philadelphia myself.....my ex often not being able to go due to work, but going with me sometimes.....and my dad normally was my sidekick for the excursions.....before my daughter was born......and we spent nights in a hotel before his appointments.......I remember one less than pleasant experience where Gabe threw up on his little blanket that he loved......his "beebit".....and I spend the night trying to wash it in the tub to have it ready for the next day's journey around the hospital.......it didn't work lol, but I tried.....and those were the days of coming here often....and I am grateful to report, my boy's health has been amazing, and the need to come here has been relegated to check ups only......but it hit me this morning, how we have both grown......my boy growing to 18, and a "grown up" for all intents and purposes....and his mom growing beyond herself, and her fears and being able to take him to Philadelphia, comfortably, on her own......even driving across center city from the museum we hit yesterday....and deciding to add that museum in the mix at all.....It was called Otherworld, and it was AMAZING........and I suppose each chapter of my journey has strengthened the "by myself" stuff.....spending so much time in my marriage, doing stuff by myself too......but in this chapter it is my way of life......and sometimes the responsibility of my son and all that comes with him feels heavy to carry alone.....only logistically, not in my heart, there isn't anything I wouldn't do to take care of all of what he needs......and I am choosing not to judge any of it this morning, either way....attach a good or bad tag to it.....it just is....and truth is to live this life, I need to do it on my own.....so it suits it all quite nicely, that I CAN:) and being FREE OF FEAR in this chapter....is FREEDOM....and the price of it is the doing stuff "on my own" part.....and a curious thing is that when you do stuff scared....or even while being afraid, the fear subsides, and eventually goes away......like a bubble bursting in the air.......and when I think of all of the things I have done on my own the last 5 years, it makes me feel accomplished.....and able.....and confident in this life.......so today feels like something, and I guess the cooler thing, is that I did not even think about it.....didn't even doubt I could bring them here.....or think to ask somebody to come......comfortable in the reality of the circumstance.....and that feels kinda amazing too....it shows me growth.....it shows me adaptation.....it shows me where my confidence has blossomed.....and I think back to the girl that was scared to come here alone with her boy.....and she was meeker....milder.....less confident......still strong though, and wildly brave:) Just a different kind at that time.....Independence is FREEDOM....no doubt....and I am FREE in every sense of the word.....a fearlessness taking over my life and soul that is like magic xoxo.......... Today we tackle some of my son's leg issues.....seeing if they can be solved....he has super tight heel cords.....a follow up cardiologist.....just a check up.....and an appointment with his geneticist.....and his doctor's have been impressed with his progress.....but I believe seeing him in person today will be even more so:) We have done some zoom appointments since Covid.....and did cardiology at home......but folks with Williams Syndrome, can find themselves unhealthy....and I am so grateful that my boy has embraced, and found his own way to a healthy lifestyle, through his sudden and intense love of sports.....working out at school a lot, and hiking endless miles with his mama and little sis.....and all of it has added up! So cheers to overcoming.....it has been a journey baby, indeed:) And today I look out at the view and deeply breathe......taking it all in:)