In the beginning, after he left, I would beat myself up, or wish I had told him to leave two years earlier, eliminating the charade of fixing our marriage, and getting out two years sooner......two valuable years of my life wasted in my estimation......but as time went on I realized that timing is so important, and that despite my feeling as if "I wasted some time".......it all happened exactly as it should have.......but a realization came to find me.....when he said he was leaving that night, I did not ask him to stay.....he mentioned staying the night if I wanted him to, and I told him "he should go......" and today from where I sit that feels brave.....I was completely emotionally leveled, and exhausted from the previous couple of years we were living in......and I still opted to have him go.....and I guess I mention that today for two reasons.....one to remind us to not count ourselves short......or be too hard on ourselves for the things we do during a certain time with the best intentions.....and really we are all doing that right??? Doing the best with what we have been given......and in the spaces we are living in.....so there is that piece.....but that night taught me something valuable.......to finally stand up and say enough......despite him leaving me for all intents and purposes, I got to decide when that was happening and I could not take it not one more single minute......despite how overwhelming it all seemed that night.....my thinking what on earth the next day was going to look like? Or the next month? Or divorce, or the kids.....you get the idea......but I knew it was over.....that it had to be......that when he left it was for good.....and that was freedom.....but he also taught me to walk away from other places that are not serving me as the years have gone on.......In the years since I have learned to stand up for myself in ways I previously had not known how to do.......knowing that there are certain things that are not worth my time or energy.....people that diminish me, and make me unhappy, and I now know better when to leave the party......because of him and what he taught me on that excruciating night........I felt so frail and small that night....sobbing endlessly but amid all of that, I could feel the part of me.....the one that would help me overcome this story......the one that was capable of rallying......and standing up in the face of being knocked down....so most times the most horrid stuff in our lives teaches us the most valuable stuff, if we let it......and I know now to say you should go.....you really should, and it is OK.....no ill feelings or anger or resentment.....just go......it is an unpopular opinion that you don't have to be around people that make you feel awful.....people stay around those people for all sorts of reasons.....but I have learned that I no longer have to......I get to decide the company I keep and the people that stay in my life no matter what......I don't have to suffer ever again.....for anybody.....and that feels like freedom:) Happy Sunday:)
jperuso
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