DysFUNCTIONal.........

Most of us likely come from some places that created some dysfunction in us along the way....hard to avoid really, and some more than others....or places that happened within us that created unhealthy patterns that do not serve us for so many reasons......and this chapter for me has been about taking a look at the dysfunctional patterns within myself, and my life, and shattering them so that I can live the life I want....and I have done a lot of work around it.....hours of therapy....and lots of healing.........mine centering mostly around self worth and demanding that I be treated well now in this chapter....never settling for any of the things I once did.....and I am doing it:).....recently proving to myself that the growth I have achieved translates into the real world, into my real life, getting to use my newfound understanding.....and realizing that my commitment to my self worth is in tact fully:).....it is still a weaker muscle if you will within me, and it will take some more healing, and strengthening.....but it is getting stronger everyday, and nothing will ever pull me back into the dysfunction I once lived in.....never.....I have a little girl watching, which makes that truth even more real.....but the truth is there is a part of my life that is drenched in dysfunction....not my own, that dysfunction belonging to others......but it touches down in my life due to the tether we share......and I was reminded of it yesterday again.....I don't have to often see it, or experience it, which is good.....but every once and awhile the stark realization of it hits me hard......and it is hard to believe really.....like if I fully wrote about some of it, your eyes would widen as you read it all, almost unbelievable really......but when you are swimming in that sort of thing it is hard to see.......I have been there too......in the dark of dysfunction, telling myself lies.....or making justifications to myself on repeat.....sinking to such lows to exist in that space......but once you are free and heal.....becoming the FUNCTION part of that dysfunction, the reality is loud....and ugly......and hard to look at.....and none of it makes me angry so much as just sad......wishing it weren't so.......or different somehow.......but knowing that what I want for it doesn't matter......the people living it have to want that......and there has been no indication that they do.......and when you feel better, and step out of those patterns there is a part of you that thinks you can bring function to the dysfunction.....like a gift.....or a power source to hook them up to......like maybe if you act functional enough....well.....the person or people will follow suit.....also not true.......that is a trap.....a mirage......people have to do their own psychological work......or not......and all you can do is be responsible for your own.....and in my case I also feel responsible for my children's.......wanting them with every fiber of my being to be healthy adults.....shielding them from as much as I can.....and helping them navigate the things they have to swim in too......ending cycles.....ending stories that have spun round and round......the buck stops here.......no longer am I willing to live in dysfunctional patterns.....spending anymore of my life participating in any of it......I made that promise to myself after my divorce....and I have slipped a little along the way, in minor ways not major ones.....but my self worth north star has always led me back......keeping my boundary strong, and making my line in the sand crystal clear.......NO MORE........people are free to live as they wish....that is true.....but we also have the choice to not participate in their lives.....and if we have a tethered situation, we have a responsibility to hold on to our function amid the rest.......fiercely......so I am shaking off yesterday's reminder of the truth that lives in a corner of my life.....reminding myself of the power that lies in using all I have learned in the last couple of years to move through it all......knowing so clearly where it all comes from.......as for today, we are celebrating the graduation of our boy:) His friends are coming to celebrate him! We spent yesterday preparing and we are ready:) Always chasing the sun......leaving all the darkness behind......life is too precious, and beautiful for anything less! Happy Sunday:)