Embarrassing but true......

If you have read for awhile, you will know that 2025 was a year where I had to face and really what feels, waged my final battle with self worth.....having learned SO completely...that I needed to remove myself from a situation, one where my heart was all up in it, to save my self worth, and my self, and truly learn to stand in my power for the first time in that way....and it was painful....and challenging....but on the other side magic:)....and here is a huge aha that came this week for me....somewhere along the way I learned or got the impression that to be loved, I needed to do something, earn it, be perfect in some way, or at least try.....or be something.....or__________and so being in love became a performance for my partner.....not in a way that was fake though.....I want to make that VERY clear.....I use the word performance to express the part of it, that made me feel like I had to keep up, keep dancing, and present my best self as often as I was able, give, and give, and give some more.....in the hopes that the love I was seeking would be returned.....and I wince as I type that.....but you can't heal what you won't give a voice to, and I had believed that if I give more, do more, be more, am more giving, more pleasant, more fun, more__________then my person would be too....and do you know what, each time it just yielded less....them taking more from me, and giving less in return.......and in all fairness at the end of my marriage it was a push and pull of that.....I put myself out there, on the line, to try and save us, but often felt emotionally numb and shut down due to all I was carrying....having him have gotten the best of me for many years....but also the worst at a certain point.....due to the emotional weight of it all.....but in my last relationship.....he got my best for the majority of it....a best I hadn't even uncovered in all of my life, a best that helped me love me more too.....and no amount of goodness, love, generosity of spirit, any of it....can compensate for what is lacking in another person....and so I have touched on this aha before some.....but here was the other piece that hit me like a bus yesterday....I DON'T HAVE TO.....EVER AGAIN.....I don't have to try and be lovable.....or charming....or any of it....I am just me now......fully.....and something told me that I will never feel the need to do any of that in love again.....standing so rooted in myself, and my power, my confidence, and knowing that the RIGHT person will love that so completely.....and I don't need to do any of that....my entire energy has shifted in the aftermath of this.....it is so hard to explain....like I actually FEEL different.....in every way, a steadiness and new confidence taking over my spirit......knowing that that shift is what attracts different too:) And I say none of this to say that I won't dote on my next partner.....love on them hard, be thoughtful, joyful, and fun etc.....because that is just me.....but it won't be from a place that feels exhausting....a place of running faster, and jumping higher to touch the love that I deserve......I will NEVER stay in a place that doesn't deserve my attention and presence again, NEVER....and I do not say that arrogantly....just as a matter of fact.....I have done that my whole life....being with people that don't honor who I am, not even a little bit......or maybe do in the beginning, being captivated by it, and then turning on me......and I am not proud of the things I have done to receive love....the love I was chasing for so long.....those things coming from a loving place in me toward another, but not being loving to myself.....having to sacrifice myself for another.....and those days are long gone....in the rearview.....NEVER again.....I stand SO fully and boldly in my worth now, seeking a man that meets me at eye level in that;-) ......a man that has his own self worth in tact, living a life that shows the love he has for himself, and a man that is reciprocal in his giving of himself to me too...and seeking to delight me often too:) To want to make me smile....or make my life sunnier....happier.....lighten my load....all of that.....nothing less....because I have shown that learning to love myself better with every step has brought me here....whole....rooted in my healing and worth......never willing to sabotage it again for anybody....and knowing so fully....finally......that I don't need to earn love.....I AM ENOUGH, in this moment.....just as I am....and always have been, in all of my forms.....and YOU ARE TOO:) Amen:) It seems appropriate as the 5 year anniversary of my new life meets me in January, 5 years of regaining my worth so fully and completely and I am here for it:) Have an amazing day!