Fight or Flight, for REAL!

Yesterday was a harrowing day for sure.....I have known that the fight or flight response lives within us.....and the freeze response, there were times at the end of my marriage where I felt frozen, quite literally, in the circumstance......but I have experienced it many times.....and sometimes it has been by way of something real......an emergency c-section......surgery......standing by my son's side in the NICU......my sister passing.....just so much of so much......but yesterday it kicked in for pure survival......I have never felt that before......I had taken my first dose of an antibiotic.....one I have taken with no difficulty.....and within 40 minutes of taking it my body began to react.....at first I started feeling itchy....and then that feeling spread all over.....but then my face changed, and began to swell and I had a very uneasy feeling taking over my whole body.....I called my mom, and was going to go to Urgent Care....but as I began driving I realized it was getting so scary and intense, so fast, that the hospital was the new destination....and I was flying......driving way too fast....guardian angel riding shotgun, but I absolutely felt I needed to......my sister in law had had a very serious reaction to a bee and had lost consciousness when my brother was driving one time, so I had that in mind....not wanting to do that while I was driving and the need to get there taking over, and every alarm system we come hardwired with was blaring inside of me.......danger, danger, danger......and I met my mom at the ER and my daughter was with me......she was going to be going to a birthday party with them, and my boy had woken up with some diarrhea.....his doctor's saying he can stay for short periods of times on his own, sometimes so that felt like the right choice in this case. And then my mom was going to come up if they kept me long to grab him.....so as I pulled into the parking lot of the hospital......I felt relief......that at least I was somewhere where they could help me.....I was far beyond popping two Benadryl.....so they had me sit in the waiting room for what felt like a long time, but only minutes....and the itching was becoming so intense, and the swelling....I was doing my best to lean into my meditation practice and focus on breathing....and slowing the adrenaline down.....they came in, and gave me an IV, the nurse was super nice.....and he gave me Benadryl, Pepcid, and a steroid....and it took some time for sure, but my body started to respond....at one point they thought they might need to do the Epi too.....but we were able to get it under control finally after a couple of hours.....they sent me with Benadryl and a steroid pack....and then the shock set in....the aftermath of the trauma.....and I shook and my teeth clattered some for awhile.....once I realized I was safe and the adrenaline left.....and I was freezing, they brought me two blankets, one from the warmer.....and I was so grateful to have my mom there, and it broke my heart for both of them, but particularly my daughter....she was in tears, worried I was dying....and I kept reassuring her, showing her my calm to help but it wasn't easy....but I am certain it was traumatizing for her too....and it was that moment again, the moment that the awesome responsibility found me, that I AM their person....my existence mattering so deeply to them both.....and it is what drives my decisions.....and my actions.....and I was just so grateful it ended well...Last night my daughter slept with me....and she hugged me and said thanks for not dying today, and we both laughed, our sick sense of humor having its way.....I told her "Remember my girl, I am living till 101 or 111!" No worries:) So I am still feeling rattled some this morning....didn't sleep great, but going to regroup and head on my date! There is a peace and comfort in my new friend, that might be just what I need today, my kids are headed to celebrate Thanksgiving with their dad......I am also planning on meditating and centering myself this morning......it was quite an experience indeed.....humans are amazing....that survival instinct, stronger than anything! Amen:)

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