Forged in Fire.....

This week has been intense....least of which has been work:) My class is lovely, and I am so looking forward to this year! I also have a lovely student teacher that just started the other day.....He seems really great, and the kids are already responding well to the both of us....and I am so enjoying it......it has been the life surrounding it that has burned brighter......needing my attention......a surprise doctor's visit for me needed this morning, single mom challenges that break my heart, the juggling of it all on my own......my daughter being diagnosed with early Lyme, and beginning the treatment......but it has been surprises and plot twists all week.....and I am feeling weary some this morning.....being reminded that my strength in all of it is something I love some days, but also loathe......feeling tired of being so strong sometimes.....and having to be......navigating so much right now.....themes that have run rampant in my life forever, and as some of them bust free there is a one last look kinda feeling around them.....and nobody treats me with softness.,....not because they don't love me, but because nobody thinks I need it......having always done the things, on my own, on repeat. And when you carry it well, people forget it is heavy......and it is not anybody's fault.....we all have our own stuff.....and most of the time my arms feel plenty strong to carry it all, and face whatever arrives....and I will always.....but I guess my "forged in fire" moments....all of the ones I have faced in my life are adding up......the sum of them feeling huge and heavy this week.....and as I type that I guess it is because I am touching down in several stories, and themes in my life all at once, in subtle ways and some not so subtle......my daughter yearns for me to be the mother at the bus stop, and the before and after school juggle gets to her, and I feel so torn about it all.....knowing I can't be a stay at home mom, and a single one.....knowing one day it will make sense to her.....but for now honoring her feelings around it. Wanting her to think of me one day as a strong and independent woman that worked so damn hard to provide the best life I could for she and her brother, on my own.......nobody to default to.....just me.....and wanting her to be proud of that, like I have been....and I know she will, or at least hope:) But for now she is trying to make sense of it.....and for me the juggling happens, all the balls over my head....and they feel like they are made of nerf, most of the time.....but every once in awhile, they grow heavy......like they were replaced with cement, and the juggling feels harder, and the balls grow larger......and the sum of all I have endured, and continue to shows up. And that is life right:) When that happens, it is an invitation to feel the grief, feel the feels, and then shift my mindset, because that is where my power lies, every single day! I have meditated extra this week, it is such a gift to my nervous system:) My kids are loving school, and we have had such deep talks, and experiences this week, as we navigate it all....and as I say so often, THIS time of my life is treasured......the time that the three of us will journey, under one roof, IS the TIME of my life:) And I am not letting the moments that are challenging, or the single mom hustle take that from us......ever....I know by tomorrow or next week the nerf balls will be a flying again;-) No longer feeling cement laden.....but saying aloud that sometimes I wish I had a soft place to land too is true.....being the strong one.....the one on their own all the time, well.......it isn't always easy....and I was lucky to be able to call my parents in a pinch yesterday, being stuck. That is a gift in my life too.....but ultimately our walks are our own......so my prayer is this week was just a little rocky, a rocky start if you will;-) and that as our routine takes hold, the wrinkles will smooth and the rest will fall into place, just as it always does:) Amen:)