Graduation Day......#alone

Today is Gabe's graduation day......and the last couple of weeks, and the ride to right here has been emotional for me for all sorts of reasons.....while he won't be leaving my home post graduation, it is a big milestone nonetheless.....and the magnitude of it is felt....and it has also been bringing up unresolved things within my divorce from his father....an unresolved place in my life....having never been given the opportunity to speak to him about it all after he left that night......or even now living in a way that makes our co parenting piece so darn challenging......and I never thought I would watch graduation without us being a team....looking over at one another and smiling in pride over our boy.....because he is our boy...we brought him here together.....and now that "our" feels more like "my".....because I am forbidden to share anything about our boy by the forces in his life.....and he made that choice.....to abide.....and I have honored it....but tonight it is tough......in a normal world we could take a graduation picture with Gabe....for him.....maybe even all sit together.....I see many divorced folks doing those things......but I know that is an impossibility....insecurity and the rest impacting it all so deeply....and so I steady myself for today.....and the emotional weight it will bring.....in more directions than I can count.....or even identify maybe....and last night I had a dream....my dream playing out my subconscious.....I dreamt of my grandmother....she is no longer living, either of my grandmothers, but suddenly she was there......she had come for a visit, and I hugged her and just sobbed in her arms.....she told me how much she missed me, how proud she was of me, and how much she loved me, stroking my hair...and the strange part is she didn't look like my grandmother, but her spirit was a mix of both of my grandmothers.....and as I type that.....the tears begin......the spirit of the day for sure...and then I spoke to Gabe's dad in the dream......over the phone......and I said how about our boy and graduation huh?.....and then the phone went dead......and well....that about sums it up....... And I know logically I do not need to share this with their dad at all.....I haven't shared anything for the last 4 years with him........doing it all on my own....so this doesn't need to be any different.....but there is a sadness in me for the fact that I can't......and that is honest....and real....and I had gone to my youngest brother's graduation years ago and cried like a baby.....so I anticipate the same will be true tonight.....tears cleansing so much of so much.......and I am sure I won't be alone in that....a stadium full of feels.....for all the graduating seniors......we don't get to choose our stories......or how the players in our stories act, or how the story unfolds.....we can only do our part.....try and show up as the best version of ourselves as often as we are able......and I will always be open to being friends with their dad.....always....because it is what is best for all parties involved....but that wish cannot be fulfilled on my own....I remain open and willing. And it may never happen, I have accepted that too...... However I do know this.....the people we were all those years ago.....as we stared at our sweet boy fighting for his life, would have gotten so much hope in glimpsing THIS day today! :):) It would have calmed their fears and stress so completely......knowing that this day was up ahead......and those people still live within us both, and they are both smiling at one another today with love for their sweet, strong, and brave boy who has made them both so damn proud. xoxxo Happy Graduation Gabe the babe!! So proud of all you have accomplished xoxox

P.S My family will be joining me tonight and that will be more than enough:)