Guardianship.........

Today I am headed to my lawyer's office to go over a few things.....and one of them is the guardianship of my boy.....this year coming up is an emotional one for me on my journey with Gabe.....it is his senior year.....which makes me so emotional to think of.....he has come SO far....starting his journey here on earth at 2lbs 10 ounces, alongside loads of challenges raining down on him and us.....and yet......he has absolutely thrived, and this is a big year for him....but as his 18th birthday approaches in January.....I know that I need to seek guardianship of him, to be able to make the decisions he is not capable of making, despite all his progress.....and I am working to do that. It hurts my heart some to think of.....because it requires me to deem him incompetent in a court of law.....and that is hard.....but I feel with such certainty that it is the right thing.......and as Gabe approaches adulthood the magnitude of it all feels really big....thinking of what his life will be like beyond school.....I am lucky that I get to buy some time.....he will be able to stay at DV and do a program after he graduates next year.....until he is 21.....and that will help him be able to be better prepared for whatever that life will look like post DV.....and I am breathing through the angst I feel, and trusting it will unfold beautifully as it has so far......and will make sense....and be his best life, and what is best for him.....but the weight of it feels heavy from time to time on my own.....not being able to talk about any of this with his dad.....and just shouldering the responsibility of figuring it all out.....and that wasn't our deal....the day he was born......looking at his little body fighting for life on a ventilator, and looking at one another with tears in our eyes......making a pact to be in this together.....forever......and then life had other plans.....and so there is grief that comes up too.....not in the wishing it was all put back together.....but wishing that it had all gone a different way somehow.....that in our divorce we could have found our way to still be a team when it came to our kids.....but I know enough to not spend too much energy or time there.....just in the accepting of how it is....and the rallying in what I need to do to make that happen.......so that is what I will do.....today being the first step in planning for Gabe's future....in a new way.....navigating guardianship and special needs trusts......and all the rest. I am praying for guidance and strength to do it all and do what is best for my boy........always.....amen.....