Heartache=0.....ME=WON.......

I have written about the deep and all encompassing relationship that just ended in my life....and there must be something in the air this past week....bringing with it some awareness, and some glancing over my shoulder......I also had a dream that he was in last night, so there is that too......and I have been remembering where our relationship began....and how important it was to my healing....the new friendship we had formed....and I wrote a little ways back about desiring an eraser, to erase him, and all of it from my life....but this morning, and on the wings of this week that isn't entirely true.....I truly never feel that way, despite what I have seen....from anybody....our journeys are our own.....here to teach....to foster the growth we need to move us to the places we really belong....and even if there are chapters we wish we didn't have to read.....they are there for us to read and feel every word.......but there is one piece that I am sorta fixated, and intoxicated by some in the aftermath......when my ex husband left, shattered didn't even cut it.....to my core I was rocked....and my spirit deeply wounded....in the deepest part of myself......and then fast forward to this past relationship....and I allowed myself to get close.....REALLY close, vulnerable, and transparent, and to be invested, to feel it ALL, and yet when I knew I had to walk away.....it didn't shatter me at all.....not because I wasn't FEELING.....I have been....every bit of it....but there is a place you can get to, that creates a spiritual field around you, I do not know how to fully explain it....and I had read about it in theory before....connecting to everything but attaching to nothing....and yea it is like that.....and it is not a denial of the pain that was caused.....or a burying of it.....it is just a new way of being in the world and experiencing it, that helps you face what comes......and I have touched on it before, but now that I am here, having just walked through it, there is another level of awareness I have found......And because I just lived it, I KNOW it to be true....and to be honest it gives my faith another supercharge, and helps the idea of fear feel so foreign now.....shedding more and more of the fear, realizing that we need not fear anything.....we really don't......I know most people are not called to dive as deeply within as I have been asked to......I have swam in the far corners of my soul, and unearthed so much.....like cleaning an attic, or a basement.....going way back.....and it has helped me so much....to excavate the stuff that had to be, and rid myself of it, once and for all.....cleaning out the stuff that no longer serves me...and it is work I have been brave enough to do....and it does require bravery to look at all of it.....to feel it all....to know that I have been storing it in my attic for all of these years....but the cleaning out of it has set me FREE......and I know that I will never be wounded like I was after my ex, never again.......and again not because I don't feel or invest, but because I have spiritual armor in place, as silly as that may sound to some, but true in the truest sense, I assure you:) And another piece is this.....IF I had stayed in that situation, and refused to learn the lesson I was being called to learn, I do not believe I would be experiencing the magical turn of events I just have, or found this path. Remaining stuck in a toxic and karmic loop. My investing in myself more in the last 5 years, my children, our lives......that effort began to splinter in every part of my life and fill it up.....allowing me to move past this latest blow with an ease of spirit and using it once again to elevate my journey.....alchemize it for good, use it to move me to where I am called to go.....and well I AM and WILL:) Self love......self care.......on repeat.......forever and ever, Amen xoxox