Heavy stuff surfacing.......

Something about graduation with Gabe is causing some grief related to so much......the whale to surface again......I had written about that long ago....the whale of grief that swims inside of us, that we carry and we don't always realize....and then it surfaces for air, and there it is.......and it isn't straightforward....because knowing what I do now.....and living in the truth of the last 4.5 years, I would not put it back together.....my little family that I grieved so hard for once upon a time.....because clarity has stepped forward, contrast, awareness......and the gifts I now have in my new life, and the sense of family the kids and I have built, would not have been the same if life had gone the other way.....it just wouldn't have.....and I know that so deeply....but......the other side of that is that 18 years ago when I stared at a little baby in the NICU alongside his father I never expected to not have a partner in all things Gabe.....never....and certainly not as I am facing his HS graduation and beyond....and even though I know his dad loves him deeply, and is there for him in the capacity he is......the heavy lifting of Gabe, and all that comes as a result of that is on me......and it means so much.....he is doing the extended program at DV till he is 21....and I am going to try it for the year and see how Gabe does....as we make future plans.....but the logistics of what those future plans look like is deep and wide.....I want him to have the most authentic life he can....one that speaks to him.......but the truth is I will be working at least another 10 years or so before I can retire....and maybe longer with Mads being so young.....and Gabe's life requires me to make it happen.....driving etc....and he can't be home alone all day....and obviously all of that is far off.....and I trust his journey will evolve beautifully as it has all along:) But it is a lot to think of....and it falls on me.....and I have been so grateful to have my parents in this chapter, when I have been stuck......and dating and Gabe comes with its challenges as well......I am a package deal.....Gabe and I....I will need to meet a man that understands and accepts that fully.....and that is the only man I seek anyway....but it is not as simple as my kids grow up, and I am free and on my own to explore......and I accepted it a long time happily, and with open arms....but somebody else may need some time....because I am not sure what it will look like......I want Gabe to be as independent as possible, while being deeply protected.....so as I sit here facing his graduation all of that is coming to the surface.....deep complicated feelings that are interwoven and not straightforward in any way,..... wishing sometimes that life went a different way....and I would be lying if I didn't say that my heart hurts for us some when I see a family that just works, the mom and dad a team through and through....there for each other and their kids fiercely and beautifully.....and gosh that was what I had wished for myself and my kids.....but it wasn't my deck in this life.....my cards have been different, and I do my best to play the hell out of them.....so I am using my energy to reconcile my big feelings as we approach graduation and accept what is....and start to craft the next chapter of Gabe's best life:) My kids will forever be my heart indeed....xoxox