How can it be........

Tomorrow my boy turns 18.....and gosh something about that number hits a little different....how can it be.....having him as my boy feels like forever, struggling to remember life before he entered in....yet.....I blinked and here he is......he came into the world 2lbs 10 ounces fighting for every bit of the magical life he has lived to date.....fierce and strong, from the jump, and stealing hearts.....and I am so proud of the man he is becoming.....and the life he is leading....he is doing a polar plunge today....I am not sure he realizes what he is in for, but he signed up and is all in.......yikes:).....I have an appointment this morning then we are going to watch him....and then tonight I am so excited we are headed to Allentown with my parents to see the music of Adele by candlelight at one of those candlelight concerts....I got it for us for Christmas......he loves music, so I am sure it will speak to him:) and the celebrating of Gabe begins....we will also celebrate him tomorrow too.....and as with most big moments in my kid's lives that I experience without their dad, they have a pang of sadness.....wishing the relationship he and I had was different and we could revel in them some together.....and it isn't because I wish he were still here, because I don't.....but I wish we were on good terms and could be friends through it all, and especially because I know that both of us could not imagine this day long ago when we stared at him in an incubator and on a ventilator fighting for his life.....and having his 18th birthday arrive feels like something.....like a milestone for so many reasons.....and it makes me wish that things were different.....and then I remind myself that accepting things as they are is the way.....always.....I am guessing his dad feels it too some....maybe some of what I am.....we were Gabe's ride or dies for a long time....and he too experienced some of what we went through to make it here.....and then I took on the last 4 years and beyond with the heavy lifting of Gabe.....happily.....being his mom is one of the deepest joys of my life....he is a magical human, and I am blessed to call him mine.....I cannot wait to celebrate him later and tomorrow....and each time the pang of sadness comes up at the state of the relationship I have with their dad, I hold hope that it changes.....that one day we will be friends, and find some mending of fences, there is always hope.....but in the meantime I am going to focus on my boy, and celebrating his beautiful miraculous life tomorrow and every day:) Happy 18th my boy! xoxox