I am not ready......

My Gilly is in 4th grade....and I have taught 4th grade for nearly 22 years.....and so I know about 4th graders.....and I know that kids take a quantum leap of growth in 4th grade.....telling countless parents that at conferences....that 4th grade is a bridge between being a younger kid, and an older kid.....and I am watching my Gilly grapple with that fact too....wanting to be young and playful, and still be cool and grown some....and she is doing a beautiful job so far of hanging onto herself, and who she is amid the pull of it all.....and just like when I sit in my boy's transition meetings overwhelmed some about what life will look like as he continues to own his manhood......I am feeling that so completely with my girl, as adolescence rounds the corner....knowing that I have to let go of a certain part of us as she steps more and more into her future self.....and wanting to hang on fiercely to it all......and she laid in my arms last night.....managing some of those feelings herself.......I rubbed her hair, and sang to her......our song....."You are My Sunshine"........as I fought back the tears....I know the years that go by now in our story will be different than her younger years....they will be filled with huge things.....her becoming who she came her to be amid it all....she has a great head on her shoulders....a great head.....so darn wise......and we talked about that last night.....how she needs to remain true to herself always, no matter the pressure of the crowd in whatever way that shows up.....and I told her there was nothing ever that we couldn't solve together......and to never forget that......but I guess it was a big reality check....and maybe I have been feeling it for awhile now....knowing my kids are my world....and at some point our little unit will change....and figuring out what that looks like for me....wanting to see them both fly in their own right.....but mourning some the beauty of what the three of us have, and have created.....I type that with tears in my eyes even this morning.....and I know that my girl and I will remain close throughout it all....she feels safe sharing her truth with me.....and knows that I really HEAR her and SEE her....and Gabe and I never skipped a beat due to his path.....but I know with Gilly there will be speed bumps...and places where she won't think I know what I am talking about, or any of it, and my feelings are hurt already lol:)....but last night felt like a place to look out at the future expanse.....and I began to feel it all....and saw her feel it too, and it hurt our hearts some I think....the discomfort in her palpable, realizing how things change as you grow.....and so this morning I am feeling weepy some....wanting to hang onto my baby forever....having nothing change.....the three of us forever and ever.......in some kind of time capsule.....no adolescence......no growing up, no aging, no all of it lol:) So as I watch her tiny wings sprout, I plan on intentionally keeping us close always.....being her support system, and rock through all the adventures she has yet to have.....I also look forward to seeing the beautiful young woman she grows into one day too, I know her story will be special too, I can feel it.....but for now, I want to hide away with them both, from the world, and keep them to myself lol:) And have nothing change.....I can say that I haven't missed a moment.....to date I have done the mom thing hard and fiercely.....and have soaked up every moment of both of their lives, and that feels like something:) And I will continue to savor our special dynamic has the years move along too quickly.....my bliss, and my joy, to be their mother indeed....xoxo