I am SO sorry girl .......

Dear Me,

This apology is long overdue......I think of us often back down the road, and feel like going back there and wrapping my arms around you.....because that is what you needed....from somebody....and at the time in your marriage.....but there was no comfort to be found. Just conflict, struggle, strife, and eventual devastation.....and I know you didn't want to be the one responsible for the downfall of your family......so you stayed, and fought, even when that voice knew it was time to leave yourself.....and it started to become to the detriment of your soul and health.....and I am so sorry I did not protect you better. Help you stand up for your dignity, and rights as a human, rights a mother and a wife.....one that deserved love and understanding too.....See that is the thing, your whole life you have offered those things to other people.....grace.....love....forgiveness.....loyalty......really SEEING all of your people, especially in love.....but not often having it returned.....and I am so sorry that we stayed over and over.....standing in places where we didn't belong.....dimming our spirit to fit there.....allowing ourselves to be treated in ways that we didn't deserve, often......that one hurts......to think of what we allowed, because I guess we believed that was it??? Or that it was normal for men to behave that way? Maybe other marriages or relationships had those hallmarks.......even after your marriage ended, somehow finding your way to a similar feeling in love.....at first and for a long time being lovely.....but then devolving into that familiar story.....the push, the pull, the chaos.....the absence of peace......the deflection the defense.....the ugliness, and the turning the tables.....making it seem as if you standing up to be treated well was "too much"......the absurdity now of that, as the light of day and deception shone down on that story.....and you almost bought it again.....but this time our spirit had her say....she kept whispering to us that it wasn't right, not going quietly into those things this time, and vowing that THIS time it was going to be different.....no more losing ourselves or tolerating less than we deserved.....and well when I think of "old" us, it hurts my heart some my girl......being so completely taken advantage of in every way....and so not deserving of any of it considering all we gave on all accounts......and well we have to live with our actions, but so do they........but here we are my girl......standing tall....strong.....healed......nearly fully now it feels some days.....that brokenness that caused us to stay fading away.....like waves in the ocean taking it out to sea.....no longer having our self worth up for sale.....knowing so completely that turmoil, and difficult, and resistant personalities don't equate to love.....damn girl you have loved difficult men....just resisting all of it.....and that is so tiring.....EXHAUSTING......and the lack of exhaustion in your life now is palpable....which is why we get to feel SO good now.....not having an energy vampire sucking our vibe.......So I am just sorry.....sorry I didn't fully honor the woman we ARE.....but I promise from this day forward....that will never be again.....no more shrinking, or dimming to fit in places we don't belong.....NEVER again......I love us, I really do.....all of the women we had to be, to survive all the chapters that have found ourselves in.....and I already love the woman we are becoming up ahead.....I suppose you can only be set on a course to empower.....if you have been oppressed, and we certainly have.....so as we heal and grow......and look at the demons that have haunted us much of our life....slaying them one by one, so we can live in the light of our future.....I just want to say. I love you girl.....admire you for all the women you have been, even when you were shrinking and tolerating.....you were still a warrior.....still.....fighting the noblest of fights for the love of your children, and your sweet family.....and I will never be sorry for who we were, just for the pain we had to endure so often.....so this morning is for you.....a deep reverence for your resilience and for your spirit.....because let's be honest, only the two of us, know what we went through fully at the hands of those we loved....and those that claimed to love us too....and we know what it took to be free of all of that......I vow to continue to keep walking us towards better days, every day:) Knowing that if we are brave and continue to do the courageous work of healing, the rewards will continue to be great:) NO MORE chaos, confusion, conflict, meanness, darkness, no more my girl! :)Onward and upward.....and just as I am planning my empowerment workshops....revolving around a "I got you" girl mentality......I GOT YOU TOO MY GIRL! You never need to worry again......xoxox

Love,

Me