I didn't even know, till I did.....

My nervous system has been healing after YEARS of being taxed.....in all sorts of ways....for all sorts of reasons.....and most of us don't even know that our nervous system is jacked up.....overstimulated......scared.....stressed.....heightened......in fight or flight on repeat....and as I have been healing, a calm has entered my physical body that has carried over to my mind and spirit....it is why I protect my peace so fiercely.....because when something starts to affect that peaceful ease I now have, it makes me recoil in a big way......and I have written about peace a bunch, the acquisition of it, the maintenance of it, the power in it.....but today's takeaway is more the fact that it is an emotionally regulated nervous system that holds power for us.....and giving one to our children....not having them in a home that jangles their nerves......a home that lacks predictability......and calm......where there is yelling and turmoil.......and obviously as humans, and parents none of us are perfect....but when the turmoil outweighs the rest, and the grown ups are not handling conflict well.....well....detrimental stuff happens....and that is a win in my story....my daughter was 4 nearly 5 when her dad left, and my son 14....and they still remember the conflict that lived in that final time....under the weight of the affair, and our deep marital conflict.....and this way is much better.....both of my children living in a home that nourishes their nervous system....calming them......no eggshells to be found.....and so realizing in my own life that I am finally healing mine....after 49 years.....it feels like something.....another important place to continue to feed....and I came to a subtle realization the other day.....that I am ready.....ready to share my life some with a man......(capacity to be determined;-) ) but in my day to day some....in my life, and that of my kid's lives....feeling all of a sudden more ready than I have been before, for a present and local kinda love:)......and love and dating doesn't work like that, you don't just say "hey I am ready" and then boom, enter fabulous fella:) But I feel being really ready is a good first stem:) But all of that follows the nervous system dialogue.....knowing that I won't allow my nervous system to get junky again....never allowing somebody to rattle my cage.....make me feel unease....safety and security for myself and kids is paramount now, needing somebody that has a regulated nervous system themselves......in every way.....and unfortunately we don't know or realize stuff till we live in the contrast.....and my children both remember the turmoil that could have become their lives if what had happened hadn't......and fighting with kids around is no good.....it inflicts harm....lots of it.......and while it is so hard to keep it away from kids because they live with you, while you navigate it all......it should be the highest priority.....I know that firsthand.....and so the gift of the three of us breathing deeply, and easily, in our day to day feels like a powerful blessing that arrived quietly....suddenly realizing that my nervous system feels healed.....really as simple as that....I used to feel so tense.....every cell bouncing and humming in my body.....always feeling like I was bracing myself for what was next....my posture weighing me down.....weight of the world living on my shoulders literally......I had to get trigger point injections in my neck at one point, because the tension was like cement......I know right.....just so intensely taxed.....and now all gone......despite the added responsibility my life holds....so today is a cheers to breaking cycles.....to allowing children to breathe easy and their mom too:) And for the realization that comes that you are not where you used to be, and never going back there again:)