hey, I found something......

Today we are doing "Inside Out" for Halloween......and one of my work besties asked me to be JOY, and I am excited.....I love that movie so much......it touches my heart so deeply.....makes me cry every time.......but this morning it feels like life imitating art......I wonder sometimes about the impressions people had about me in my other life......or at different chapters in my story.....I have heard my attitude of gratitude be mentioned.....that has been with me for a long time.....and many of the core things that make me, me......have remained......but one of the things that has changed in a consistent way, is the level of JOY I feel on a regular basis......I live in a pretty constant state of it these days, no matter what:).....learning to be able to put my circumstance to the side, to remain peaceful and joy filled as often as I can't.....and I remember a point before my marriage went up in smoke, how often I felt tense, and on edge, and angry even.....and I am glad that chapter didn't last that long......because anger is heavy to carry around.....I truly feel for people that have that as their first inclination......you can feel its detriment so completely......and I have always tried to be, and was wired to be sunnier.....wanting to laugh, smile, and joke.......using my lighthearted stuff, to protect me from the rest of life....but it was a fight during different chapters to find it.....or I had to go to greater lengths to attain it.....and for me the shift has been maintaining it, NO matter what......locking into the way JOY feels and hanging on to it......and here is another thing I have learned.....that as pleasant a connotation as joy has, and being JOY filled......it irritates people who don't have their own joy.....I have had my sunny side make others react badly.....and that is strange to me....but I think it is a reminder of their struggle to find their own :( Happy people make others angry sometimes....which is so weird to me, but true.....a reminder I think of so much for them......but today feels like something in a weird kinda Halloweeny way:) People comment often at seeing my happiness.....and JOY....... and feeling the palpable nature of it....and at some points in my life I had to feign joy......trying to use that JOY as a buoy to survive life....and most times I could get there, or almost.....but in this chapter it is just there.....REAL in every sense, spinning round, and round me, no matter what......and an endless source, because I spend so much time cultivating it, protecting it, choosing it......CHOOSING JOY no matter what has changed my life....So today I get to embody JOY fully, dressing up as it, enjoying the day! Happy Halloween:)