I have HOPE in the day......

Hope in the day when I won't have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that comes out of the blue and hangs around.....unwelcome in every way........it was constant in the beginning but has let up....I find respite in the in between spaces......sometimes whole days, strung together of sweet relief.....now it just comes and hangs around for a day, or an afternoon, or a couple of hours at a time......when it comes it holds all the love, and all the beauty that once belonged to he and I once upon a time.....it brings it right up to my heart and makes me feel every inch of it......every single bit of it.......I suppose the pit in my stomach is the letting go of that beauty....watching it slip away forever......like a wave receding into the ocean gone forever in the surf......and even though I know all the things....all the ways my life will be so much better in the long run, more peaceful, more like me.......just more of so much more.........and that this journey is most certainly a destined one.......the letting go continues to just be brutal.....no other way to say it.....it hurts deeply each time the pit comes......have yet to pinpoint what brings on the pit......hard to say.....perhaps just the passage of time and the desire of my soul to let go of a habit that was 20 years in the making....a long and beautiful habit to break in so many ways......and as the rain pours down today it suits my mood just fine.....washing away the pain and the suffering in the raindrops.....it is just grief....I know that...............deep and never ending grief.......sometimes I truly wish for a faster way through this.....a smoother way.....a different way.......but I know there is no other way, just through.......and in the through I will find my way.....the way that is meant for me......there is a beautiful force pulling me along......letting me know what exists up ahead for me......lets me feel it in my intuition........lets me feel that some beautiful life and space awaits when the healing lessens......or when my healing journey quiets to a whisper............and I have hope and peace in that....but in the meantime.....damn.....it is just brutal in all the ways....the remembering.....the trying to figure out what happened still.......the memories of a life.....our life.......and what really happened......like really......the shock never going far from the pit......guess I am just trying to find a way to make peace with the end......the end of my favorite love story......the end......the tragic and senseless end to a beautiful and blessed life.......some days I am better at it than others......